Will a man with a history of abuse always abuse his next partner?

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Unless they have gone through a lot of therapy, enough to cause a total sea change, then yes, I am afraid they will always abuse the next partner.

There is one exception: those people who vaccilate between a need to abuse and a need to be abused. For them it is just as likely they will choose a partner who abuses them, not least to expiate the abuse they gave their last partner, and justify the abuse they will give the next.

Abusers CAN change, and lead normal lives, but that takes a lot of work.

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Most abusers are serial offenders, abusing one partner after the other.

For detailed statistics and articles about treatment options, psychological testing, coping methods, and a lot more:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily.html

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I knew the previous girlfriend slightly. Everyone of his friends and I heard the way she talked to him and about him. We always wondered what what was going on??? We thought "what a bitch"! Now after my experience with him, I don't know if she was just retaliating or being defensive or the abuser. BUT, I know how abusive he is to me.

After about a year I realized something. He is careful to keep it private and has deliberately tried to make it look as if I mistreat him (to his friends). He just announced to me that I have no friends because I'm such a bitch to him.

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There's a 90% chance he will. It's also always good to remember, that while abusers often have a wide range of personalities, a number of them often seem to be very charming in public. They often use this charm during the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship to keep ties cemented and raise false hopes that the abuse will stop.

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Every relationship I've ever been in has been abusive. And every one of these people had terrible things to say describing their previous relationships. I've met a number of these 'horrible, idiot, ex's', as they were descibed to me, much to my surprise, they were wonderful people. Now I'm a 'horrible, idiot, ex.' And I am a wonderful person too, in no way deserving this treatment. So, to answer your question, history repeats itself.

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Unfortunately, I did not heed the advice of my friends and did not listen to the red flags when they started. My previous boyfriend was put in jail for domestic abuse with his second wife, and I found that out early in the relationship. People told me about his past, his violence, his drinking and his personality. I kept thinking to myself, "How could this be true? He's so sweet and attentive and full of compliments." Later on, when I knew the relationship was in trouble, I looked on a website for the signs of an abusive person. He fit 12 out of the 16 characteristics. I think abusive partners will continue with their abusive ways unless they get help.

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my x's x-wife had called the police several times he had told me, but he bragged that he was never arrested. this should have been a red flag - he also said that a pastor came with her to help her move out. He was so charming in the beginning and after only 4 months i barely escaped with my life. I thank God for coming to my rescue. I've never been in an abusive relationship and used to counsel women who were. Never again.

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Probably, because he will choose the type of personality that will allow him to get away with it. It's possible that one day he may meet his match and find somebody who won't take it, and he may love that person enough to get help for himself. Abusers were likely abused themselves as children. It's a cycle and is part of them. Very hard to change but there are support groups for abusers out there.

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Yes. It's a pattern.

I don't agree with the last post of the abuser "meeting his match." That's usually cause for the abuser to leave and find another victim. That's what happened in my case. As much as he verbally abused and controlled me, I still called his bluff. I stood up to him. And I was dumped. At the time I was traumatized. But looking back, he did me a favor. I wasn't dumped. I was set free.

I was with an abuser who was NOT a victim of childhood trauma or abuse and his siblings are not abusive or narcissistic as my ex is.

I had the opportunity to talk to my ex's ex-wife and found that she went through much more trauma than I ever did. And it turns out that several women have had a bad time with him. Too bad I didn't know this earlier. But I'm glad I found out sooner rather than later.

Abusers have no real reason or motivation to change. All they can change is who they abuse.

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I agree. Yes, it is a pattern. He will design a plan to appeal to you but abuse lays beneath. And especially if he is supported by an environment or religious doctrine that supports abuse against women and generally people.

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Why, are YOU his next partner? He's not changing. I'm offended at the question. The question suggests that the victims of abuse deserve the hostility and pain they get, and that the "right woman" will change bring out his good side.

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I agree abusers will dump a woman when they meet thier match. Its not as though the love of a "good woman" will change an abuser. He wont change his behaviour, he will change woman. I pity the poor woman my ex is with now. She seems already insecure. Its just a matter of time until she is in pain. What is so odd with these types is they find another but god forbid if you move on in life!!!! He still continues to try and win me back even though hes with her. Dont fool yourself about these types.

I don't agree with the last post. I don't think we're saying that victims deserve abuse. I think the original question was posted by someone who was hopeful about the abuser. The original poster, most likely is someone who is abused and dumped and worries if it was something THEY did to cause the abuse (hence, "will he do it again?") or the poster is seeing a "former" abuser and wants to know what the chances are that he'll change.

He WON'T change, nor can a new woman magically change him. Not even athe eyes with a look of confidence, and having it walk away with its tail between its legs.

It didn't really dawn on me that he was an abuser until he told me that he used to do coke with his ex-girlfriend then tie her up, call her nasty names and spit on her...eeek! Everything started to fall into place after that. He told me that he really wanted to degrade her...but that he didn't want to degrade me. In other words he is no longer attracted to me since I won't let him hurt me. I haven't stroked his ego, and he has stopped calling.

Granted, I don't think that he is the sort to be physically abusive, so standing up to him worked.

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He WILL abuse again, no matter who or how great the next girl is. You were great once too, remember? Being dumped by an abuser is only painful because it's like being kicked while your down (and you were down before he dumped you, remember?) If you were dumped by an abuser, consider yourself lucky. You're alive and free. I stayed entirely too long in my former abusive relationship and felt so devastated about being dumped because I was a victim of a psychological process called "traumatic bonding" which is discussed in what I consider the definitive book on abuse called, Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. READ IT! You will learn why you feel the way you do and why it is NORMAL and that you are going to be okay once you've worked through the trauma. It took me a year and a half to make sense of my experience and I still have unanswered questions but bottom line is that I'm alive. The person who said she wasn't physically abused needs to know that most abuse almost always develops into physical abuse if you stick around long enough. It's not about your weaknesses or shortcomings, it's about POWER and CONTROL. And all abusers CHOOSE to abuse and they WILL continue to abuse for as long as they can unless they get serious help which they aren't interested in. As for your future relationships, listen to that inner voice: listen to how a man talks about his ex's and learn what his core belief system is about women and relationships. And for God's sake, educate any young girl you know about abusive men and the horrible cycle of abuse. They need all the help they can get and we're just the ones who can help them because we lived it. Stay strong, ladies, we're all in this together.

First answer by anonymous. Last edit by S158058. Contributor trust: 0 [recommend contributor]. Question popularity: 192 [recommend question]