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What should you do if you are married to a narcissist and you want to preserve the marriage?In: Narcissism |
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I saved my marriage with the help of many professionals and I can help you save yours too. I cannot tell you all the steps to take here, but they are in a very inexpensive guide written by my husband and I which you will find from searching for cure for narcissism or looking up Kim or Steve Cooper at Naymz.com narcissists are repeat offenders in domestic and emotional abuse and you can break that chain but you will need expert help.
The next answer posted here will make a narcissist very bored with you and is a very good way to get rid of them if you want to! please be careful about who you get advice from!
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Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him;
Never offer him any intimacy;
Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on);
Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity;
Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence.
Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with it all. Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.
Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future sources of primary Narcissistic Supply for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you.
Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace.
Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition.
Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive.
Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion". Treat your narcissist as you would a child.
If your narcissist is cerebral and not interested in having much sex - then give yourself ample permission to have "hidden" sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.
If your narcissist is somatic and you don't mind, join in on group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. If you do mind - leave him. Somatic narcissists are sex addicts and incurably unfaithful.
If you are a "fixer", then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations". Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can fix the narcissist - it simply will not happen.
If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them.
Finally, and most important of all: Know Yourself.
What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist? A codependent? Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?
Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship.
Define the things that you find harmful to you. Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself. Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviors that affect you - but this can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship.
Based on my book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"
? 2003 Lidija Rangelovska Narcissus Publications
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I was involed with a NP for 19 years. Note the word "was"! I'm in the process of divorcing him. I too thought I wanted to save the marriage, but then I realized I was wasting my time. It was the best decision I ever made! Don't fool yourself into thinking you'll be happy. It's a farce, just like him. He will continue to use, abuse, ridicule, belittle, etc. etc. I say, run and don't look back, because you deserve better than that.
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I am very sorry about your predicament. I think the first thing you should do is to read all that you can about narcissism. The more you can predict your spouse's behavior, the less personal and shocking it seems. Eventually, you may be able to smile (secretly) when he/she exhibits some of the more childish ones. If you don't know it already, there are sites with chatlines where you can become a member of a healing and supportive community. You don't say if a separate bedroom and separate home "zones" are feasible for you...if you can take yourself from his/her presence as much as possible, that is best, but chances are you need to preserve the goodwill of your spouse so this may not be a practical suggestion. One last suggestion-if you can establish one or two times per week when you need to be somewhere-church, workout, bridgeclub, etc. and weather the resistance to this idea that you will get,(be strong and consistent in your insistence-just GO and prepare for a tantrum or silent treatment when you get home) your spouse will eventually grouchily accept that you are leaving at these times, no matter what kind of hell he/she raises, and then you will have a scheduled breather. I hope this helps...best of luck to you.
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In order to preserve a marriage with a narcissistic spouse you first must be of strong character and have an endless supply of support that strenghtens you. It has been 24 years now and yes, I still love this man inspite of his eractic behavior.
A few keys that has helped me is to know thy self, to love thy self, belief in a higher being that understands when no one else does. I have had to learn how to develop emotional detachments when necessary, you must not be dependent on this person for your survival. Yes, let him do for you because he needs to feel needed. Tell him you appreciate the things that he provides for you, yet at the same time never let him talk you into or better yet manipulate you totally being dependent upon him. They are the best sabatogers, they will tell you they support your endeavors, seemingly excited about them. The closer you get to achieving them they will totally pull the rug out from under you if you were counting on support from them to reach that last level. Your spouse claims he wants you to be successful but the closer you get to that point, he simply can not handle it. Maintain your own life, you have to in a sense be a single-married person, this is where the glass is half full theory comes in. You are married, yet at any moment when your narcissistic spouse needs his space, you have to be emotionally able to turn it off and do your own thing for a while. I have managed to do this by always having new hobbies that I can throw myself into, and to my surprise have learned to enjoy over the years. Even though you want to give all of yourself to your spouse, that just can not happen. If this is something that you can not live with then you have some serious questions to ask yourself about preserving your marriage. If you need some one to count on for emotional support, that too has to be sought out in a trusted friend or family member, preferably of the same gender. Remember the key is you are trying to preserve your marriage and by getting to close to someone of the opposite sex to gain emotional support is asking for trouble. Always have some financial stability in your life so that you are never totally dependent on your spouses income. Be careful because their money is theirs and your money they will find a way to make theirs also if you are not careful. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated, they easily manipulate everything around them to get their way, and that is the bottom line they need to reach. Know that, the man you married if he ever had some form of normalcy will never be that person again, the older he gets the worst it becomes. Holding on to the good times can aide you in wanting to preserve the marriage, but always look at it realistically. You never know from one day to the next, which is a good day and which is not, you must be willing to take them in stride. You and he may have had a wonderful, earthshattering encounter the night before, the next day you are still on a high from it. Because of this you are moved to do something extremely nice for this person, he comes home from work and let's just say the nice thing you did for him was to cook all of his favorite things. Welll, when he comes home you eagarly awaits him to come into the kitchen where you are busily cleaning up and getting ready for dinner, maybe put his arms around you and lovingly kiss you. WRONG! instead you may get, why are you just now doing that, you've been home all day, to clarify this statement I personally work out of my home. Those few words simply knocks the air right out of your system and you know in your heart, it is over just that quick. Usually this leaves you feeling, why do I even bother? why do I continually subject myself to this? It does not matter how long you are in this type of marriage these unemotional types of responses catches you off guard every time. But to add insult to your already wounded soul, he decides he wants something totally different to eats and proceedes to prepare his dinner. The key is to quickly have an escape route to get you out of their emotionally.
My husband and I have for years had separate sleeping areas set up on opposite ends of our home. At first I craved the closeness of sleeping with a spouse, I missed his foot touching mine throughout the night. I missed hearing him breathe next to me, but I know if I did not develop a recovery zone for myself I could not survive. By having separate areas this helps me to disengage emotionally, being a healthy emotional being as we usually are, our own feelings can get the best of us. Learning to turn it off emotionally was not easy and was something I personally had to cultivate. Sometimes you feel that your feelings and actions towards him has to be dependent upon where he is at mentally on any given day. In order to accomplish this I have had to learn how to be an over zealous listener. Instead of disregarding comments made in passing I use them to my advantage in finding out what it is he feels, I mean, thinks he need from me at the moment. One time he mentioned in passing an article he read on the flight home from a business trip about women wearing wigs and how that could add spice. I just nodded, validated what he had said and tucked it away. The following week I picked him up from the airport again and he walked right pass me while looking for me. I had spent the week wig shopping, found the perfect one and even re-named myself, I have to admit I looked good in it too. I tapped him on his shoulders and you should have seen the look on his face, it was as if he had run into the most beautiful woman he had ever met. The whole ride home while driving I could see him looking at me, that was really a great feeling. What I am saying is this type of reconditioning has helped me, you have to give a little, without giving up too much of who you are as an individual. First you have to have a firm grasp and continue to build on who you are as a person. It takes a lot of work to preserve a marriage with a narcissistic spouse but it can be done.
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It is disconcerting that anyone would want to stay with one, like myself. To preserve the 'relationship' just take what is dished out or else they'll leave you anyway. They dont want someone stronger than them. Get heaps of support. See a councellor.
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It has taken a long time for me to write this, but here goes. It is very difficult to understand whether or not your spouse is a narcissist. But I am almost sure that your's is just because you are actually on this website and reading this. It takes time to clue into the fact that your spouse is not behaving as a normal human being with empathy. I have read a lot of stories now about male narcissists, but my experience was with the opposite sex. My fingers do not have the energy to type all the details about the hell I have been through with my soon to be ex-wife. If for any reason you are still doubting your spouse's personality disorder, please check out www.drirene.com where there is some really worthwhile stories of other victims which has really helped me. As much as I would like to go into detail about my experiences, I rather just provide a conclusion for the confused...please run away, leave the narcissist. Your life is worth more than this and you deserve better. Even if you are contemplating due to children involved, leave the narcissist. You will live up to 80 years let's say, is this how you want to do it?
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I was married to one for about 8 years. I say about because he changed his mind, we got divorced, he changed his mind again, we got remarried, and then he changed his mind again and we got divorced again. No more for me. He's found someone else to toy with now and I'm grateful. I can understand wanting to preserve your marriage--I certainly did. I know it's hard to give it up. However I can't lie to you. A marriage to a narcissist is empty and hardly worth preserving and full of pain. You really are better off ending it as quickly as possible and getting on with the healing. You'll be able to start your life over that much sooner. You'll look back that much sooner and say "What was I thinking? I can't believe I wasted all my time and my precious self on that CREATURE!" My narcissist was incredibly adorable, so I know how hard it is to let go. But you have to accept that under that adorable angel face is the soul of an insect or a virus or worse. Narcissists will poison every aspect of your being. Yes, there are ways to preserve the union, or more aptly to keep restarting the union. But I'm not going to explain them to you because you're worth more than that. You shouldn't demean yourself with these methods. Value yourself, not this pathetic narcissist, and get out!
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distance and empathy. Understand who he is. don't suffocate him or expect him to do his part. If he knows he has NPD, ask him to seek help.
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I am divorcing one after 22 years. I stupidly got involved with another one emotionally 5 years ago. They have pretty much destroyed my self-esteem and ability to trust. Im getting out to save my children.
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Know yourself - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Be compassionate and loving, yet firm and consistent at the same time. Establish and maintain your own healthy boundaries, and do not let them be violated.
DO NOT become co-dependent, yourself. Do not isolate yourself from friendships with non-N people, you will need them for "normal" relationships.
Remember that N is seductive and deceptive. There may be times when the situation seems to be cured and peace and happiness returns to your relationship. But that probably means that, for a temporary time, the N Supply has only shifted in your favor. It WILL shift again, and probably soon.
Sadly, the relationship may just be too toxic, and may not work.
First answer by anonymous. Last edit by Kimcoo. Contributor trust: 32 [recommend contributor]. Question popularity: 283 [recommend question]
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