What is the 'honeymoon phase' of an abusive relationship?

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Idealization - followed by devaluation - is one of the hallmarks of abuse.

Unpredictable, ever-shifting behavior is abusive and is intended, among other functions, to foster dependence on the abuser's whims and moods.

The dynamics of abuse, the various phases and subphases, are described in detail in these three series of articles:

I was in an emotionally and verbaly abusive realationship 2 years ago. The honeymoon phase was the first 3 months of the realationship. He put me on a pedastool and had me convinced that he was the most amazing guy and that I was so increadibly lucky to have him... until he blitzed me with his jealousy and possesive behavour. He was like Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hide. Scary. It's 2 years later and I'm still trying to recover emotionally!!! Cheers, Brie

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse.html

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily.html

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/msla.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq76.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq44.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal20.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq56.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq38.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/archive01.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal20.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq79.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq66.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal3.html

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ITS THE TIME WHEN EVERYTHING IS HOW IT SHOULD BE A TIME WHEN YOU REALLY BELEIVE THE OTHER PERSON HAS CHANGED FOR GOOD A TIME WHEN YOU CAN RELAX AND FEEL NORMAL ATIME WHEN YOU CAN DREAM AGAIN .

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For me, it's the calm before the storm. The man I was with could be so giving, so gentle, so loving. He has the game down good. He would clean up the kitchen, wash the clothes, and be waiting patiently for me to come home. The sex was amayzing...He couldn't get enough of me. But, eventually, within a few days, he would begin to withdraw from the alcohol and get edgy, angry and nasty. He would slam doors, yell at the top of his lungs and lose his temper. He would go out and drink for a few days, and disappear. When he would return, he knew that he would need to "win me back", so the wonderful two days of loving, and gentleness would be there. I hope my sharing helps....

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hi honey,,,

well i think i am in a abusive relationship right now... n i am still with him coz im scared of being alone. well i think the honeymoon phase is when the guy is all nice n talks like a baby just for one thing n that is to satisfy his dick. yup i mean i dunno i love this guy but he is such an ass. anyways yeah..hope i leave him soon. love keliye kuch bhi karega...have a nice life...byeeeeeeee

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The honeymoon phase is the worse. I have been in a verbally/emtionally abusive relationship for 17 years. I have to agree with Denise..It is the calm before the storms. I know when my husband is being really nice, that my days are numbered. Anything will set off the abusive behavior, from not cooking the right meal to taking a shower to long. I don't even enjoy the honeymoon period anymore. I use to because I got a repreave of sorts. Now I just know the pattern of my abuser.

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This is to the 18 year old below: Please leave him. ANY abuse is a deal breaker for a relationship. The cycle of abuse and "honeymoon" will continue and the longer you are there, the less easy it is to recover from each abusive period. In a normal relationship, happyness and sadness are less extreme than what you have. You may not love your partner as much all the time, but it gets deeper. With all the abusive interruptions, it is hard for the relationship to grow. He has to change on his own, and do it himself. Right now, the apologies are so manipulative, to keep you there. Please listen to the ones who really love you...accept their help.

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iv only been in my relationship for 2 months, im 18 n i know its not a healthy relationship because of things that has happened, its NOT abusive i dont think, but my mum thinks so but i suppose thats a mothers instinct 2 just look after me, now this is the thing that no 1 understands but me, i do annoy him 2 the limit, i really do. he poured hot water on me from the kettel but i started it by throwing bleach on him, so i guess im the abuser, he's dragged me around but thats not that bad i dont think. then i split up with him n forgave him, he apoligized loads and feels ashamed of wat he did but i love him lots n feel this will work, and i beleive the honeymoon phase is just 4 people being fake so i beleive were being real with each other. Now i just want every1 2 no that he is depressed and takes tablets n he is self concous, he is 19 but we do have brilliant times 2getha and its great with him.i really dont think he will hurt me again coz he does know he's wrong. sometimes i think i shouldn't b with him but most the time i just want him here holding me like he usually does, he makes me so happy but sometimes sad, but isn't that every relationship? help me, wat should i do, im not gonna leave him unless he hurts me again 4 a fact but how do i get my mum and every1 else around 2 understand me? and can an abuser change? because i keep gettin told no, but i believe they can, so can they? EMAIL me wat u think please at chantelleuagain@yahoo.com

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Its when the man puts on his best act to get you back under his control. He is just using another more passive form to gain control. My ex husband read me very easily and he knew how to charm me and make me feel sorry for him. This is a time that is usually short lived and full of promises, romance and hope. The truth is it doesnt last. They soon get edgy, angry, slamming stuff around, blaming, name calling, hitting, lies, taking off, spending all the money. All the heartache returns. The good thing is the next time if you feel that about a person you will know what the signs are and wont stick around. Also during the honeymoon stage, my ex would still check up on me and follow me but i didnt know until later, so nothing had changed at all. What has finally got him to leave me alone is he has warrants out for his arrest and he knows i will call the police, also he doesnt want to pay child support. The calls are annoying, but I am glad i dont live in such a dark world, of fear and misery anymore. Good luck to you!

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My boyfriend is an abuser and everytime i feel strong and finally have the guts to leave him he starts to be nice to me. That makes me feel bad for even thinking of leaving him and i end up not doing it. I've been trying to leave him now for 3 years and did for about a month and then went back with him but under one condition, and that was if he changed his abusive ways. He did for About 6 months and I thought this time it's really happening. Until little by little he started to take my time away from my freinds by using excuses to come see me. Then he started to dislike certain shirts i would buy. Then he would come up with an excuse to meet me at whatever place i would be at. At first I didn't notice because I thought he really changed, but it just got worse now i don't even speak to any of my freind not even my best friend "because he dissaproves of her behavior". I can't go a day without seeing him or he'll get really pissed off, or start to cry. When he gets mad he calls me bad names and accuses me off sleeping with other men. I can't even go out by myself or not even with my own mother or he will get really mad and meet me where i am at and start to argue with me. I can't even where a slightly low cut shirt because he thinks im trying to get male attention. He met a virgin and accuses me of being easy when it took us almost a year to be intimate. I know i should leave him but my self esteem is to low, I feel as if no other man will think im beautiful enough, and that they can't take care of me like my boyfreind has. He also calls me like 10 times a day.

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This is to the above young woman. Your posting really upset me. You ARE beautiful, you DESERVE to be loved, you have every right to be out with your mum or your friend. He is controlling you and you deserve to be treated well. Get out, stay out, take time with your family and friends, allow yourself to heal and NEVER believe that this is all you deserve. Take care of yourself.

First answer by ID0000000000. Last edit by Simplemary. Contributor trust: 1075 [recommend contributor]. Question popularity: 199 [recommend question]