What do you do if you have a narcissistic sibling?

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I can empathise with all I have read below and feel incredibly relieved that I have found others that have same problems with a narcissistic sibling. My sister's behaviour has got worse over the years, she's in her late 40's now, and will probably deteriorate in my view. She is extremely sensitive to personal criticism and I have learnt to bite my tongue and distance myself from her over the years. Since early childhood, my mother's answer has always been "don't upset your sister" and I was always the one told to make up with your sister first. Before I understood the term NPD, I always felt resentful of tip toeing around her, thinking that my mother doesn't care how I feel.

I can understand why my mum has this attitude since when I have asserted myself against my sister, she misinterprets what I say and goes on the wild attack verbally and doesn't stop at that. She will continue for days and weeks after, leaving me hurtful text and answer phone messages and write pages and pages of sadistic and humiliating words in emails or letters. It's as if everything I have confided in her she twists in her head and throws it back at me, saying that I have mental health issues is her favourite phrase. She's contacted my husband and friends twisting personal things about me which she's stored up in her fantasy mind.

Early on in my relationship with my now husband, I spoke with him about my family history. My eldest sister is Bi-Polar and what with this sister having NPD, I felt I ought to let him know about the ups and downs these disorders will have upon me and us in our relationship. He is very level headed and has taught me to keep my distance from both of them.

In all I feel incredibly sad that I do not have a close relationship with either of my sisters. We were all sexually abused by a relative as very small children and neglected emotionally by our parents. But what keeps me feeling OK about all of this is that I turned out to be a relatively normal, responsible, caring and able to love adult. And no matter how much I want it, I cannot change the way my sisters are.

Found this helpful site: http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/index.html

Thanks, Maxine.

Hi,
I cannot believe I found this site tonight. I am struggling with years of sibling rivalry with my younger sister and suffering forever it seems. All my friends and even former boyfriends (some of whom were abusive themselves) have told me to stop expecting my sister to act "kind" or nice or understanding or unconditonally loving. It won't happen. I'm 58 and still suffering her verbal abuse (she denies it), her way of being 'right' all the time without a doubt in her mind, and her alternately 'loving ' vs. 'critical' ways that drive me crazy. SHe's self centered, has no real close friends as I do, but she has always had a husband and 2 kids, her trump cards. Whenever we've argue I have always, without exception, been the one to make the phone call to reconnect. When my Mom was alive she would tell m ysister that she was 'the good daughter' and I was the one she worried about (and therefore ruined herlife). My sister has taken up the cause, tellng me how much my former abusive relationship upset her: she smoked all night couldn't sleep, worried etc... But she never ever flew to the State I was living in at the time (we now live 1 mi from ea other) to help me, save me or protect me. She offered to pay a friend of mine to wathc over me. Her excuse is that she had 2 little kids at home. But her husband and neighbors could've helped out. I was in terrible shape, physically and emotionally and no one in my family 'got it'. It turned into 'all about them' instead of about me....I have picked abusive, neglectful or dismissive men all of my life. I have been married once, briefly, a very long time ago, of course to a difficult and abusive guy. M ysister has kept lists all our lives of all my 'transgressions'. She even wrote about it once in a short book she tried to publish .She portrayed me as a lost soul who drove my parents crazy. More guilt. She is overly private, totally narcissistic I've just come to realize, and selfish, even though she seeks herself as generous. Money doesn't heal verbal and emotional wounds of a lifetime. I feel like I'm going crazy tonight and this week. It's the Jewish holidays and she didn't even call me .Remember, we only live 1 mile apart.She's getting divorced after 33 yrs which is her decision and I support it because I think her husband is just so ....well, I can't describe it. Not abusive at all, just self centered and bossy and has no friends, etc. A good father though. ANyway, she is into herself now and she has always live thru me vicariously......as if all my love affairs and boyfriends etc are now hers to claim and 'catch up with'. I find her copying my words and expressions, favorite colors, hobbies, etc. She will never admit this but it is so obvious to me . I tmakes me feel stripped and robbed of everything I am. She is jealous and angry at me. and has been forever . But if you asked her she would cry and say "I love my sister and she never appreciates me'. I am glad I found this site. I have alot of work to do on myself to learn how separate better from her as I find i'm always drawn back, putting up with her abusive comments as you do from an abusive spouse..........because if they're awful only 80% of the time you count on the other 20% and hope it lasts.....plus we are only 2 sisters with no other siblings, a Dad who loves us but is devoted only to our stepmother...and I always think we should be as close as can be. SOmetimes we are, but then it always always falls apart. She is never ever ever there when I need her, but she believes she is. My friends confirm that that's not true and that I should make my friends my 'family of choice". I am trying. I am grateful for my friends but many live far away in other states at this point. My sister is always trying to 'catch me' in a mistake or something I've not done well or forgotten...it's her big "aha moment)...she competes with me and I"ll never know why. My life has been diverse and difficult, and she's the one who always always had money, family and stability. She's controlling, difficult, critical, jealous, etc. but will never admit it. She once told her kids: "I was the good one, a perfect child and I never ever did anything wrong". Sure, except lie and manipulate and pretend to be oh-so quiet and sensitive and private. Really she was biding her time to leech onto my friends, my life, my interest and my very being. I am sad but glad to know that I am not the only person on earth going thru this. Thank you.

Answer

I think you keep your expectations low. You can have fun with a narcissistic sibling, but you can't do much disagreeing with him or her, so you can't expect to achieve real closeness. Someone who cuts you off or jumps down your throat when you so much as raise an eyebrow is someone you have a one-dimensional relationship with, and since it's you who are in his/her world, you had better hope it's at least entertaining. Draw your boundaries fiercely and demand reasonable treatment as soon as you are able. The sibling will probably understand this and respect you for it eventually, though he/she will be shocked at first. After that, the going is easier.

Answer

I have a narcissistic sister. She has preyed upon my emotions all my life. I was the easy target for blame if anything went wrong for her. I wanted a sisterly connection for years but now see no matter what I do it will never happen. I look back at our childhood and now see why she had to put me down to lift herself up. She was older than me by 4 years so it was easy for her because you naturaly want to look up to your sister. She has caused me much pain in my relationships with boyfriends and a husband. She had a need to be sexually desired by all men, and yes she had sex with the boyfriends and the husband. She is now sexualy competitve with her 13 year old daughter. Her daughter is a perfectly normal and loving child. Thankfully she is out of the home now and is being protected from the rage and alternating abject neglect or my sister basking in her daughters achevements like they were her own. She still dosent have a clue about her behavior why CPS took her daughter. I look at her now with pity----from a distance. They will never change so we have to change our reactions to them.

Answer

Narcissists are narcissists, whatever their role in your life -- mother, father, spouse, son, sibling, neighbor, colleague, or boss. They are so homogeneous and predictable -- that the advice referred to below applies to all of them.

First, you have to decide if you want to stay in touch, however minimal, or if you are ready to disconnect.

Read these:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/npdtips.html

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq4.html

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse3.html

Take care.

Sam

Based on my book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

(c) 2003 Lidija Rangelovska Narcissus Publications

Answer

I received an new in-law w/ NPD, despite trying to warn my brother- which incidentally was the slight that is causing my new sister in-law to stalk the you know what out of me.

I haven't talked to her since the marriage a year ago. Unfortunate for the family as others do not interact w/ her as well, however I've noticed most of the clinical experts would agree that steering clear as much as possible is the best scenario.

Answer

I had to cut my sister off because I couldn't handle her verbal abuse anymore. I read that cutting off is something that narcissist does to people. She left me no choice. My only choices were to remain in an abusive relationship where I am not allowed to defend myself (I tried) and then I was in pain or to get out and leave the family. I doubt she is in pain but thinks she "won". There were times when she misinterpreted what I said and she perceived an attack on her. She then screamed and raged at me. She also told me what I was thinking and she was always way off. I got tired of her trying to be a puppet master to me and going so far as to tell me how I felt and thought, and telling others how I felt and thought. She said to me, "oh you always think you are so smart." I have low self esteem and I have never thought I was smart. Everyone at work tells me I sell myself short and don't toot my own horn enough and I should be proud and brag about my accomplishments more. Then she said, "remember how you always thought you were so pretty." I thought, "huh? I never thought I was pretty. I was a tomboy and into sports. I look back at my pictures and yuk! I also am very camera shy to this day. She's the one that stood in front of the mirror all day putting on make up and practiced smiling to herself." I felt so gaslighted. I tried to nicely tell her that is not what I was thinking. I would say, "I always felt like I never dressed up enough or took pride in my appearance." She'd scream and rage, "ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF LYING." She was denying my reality to me. After a while, I started to doubt my own perceptions and memories. I tried to mend, fix, tolerate, but I couldn't handle it anymore. I cut off all contact. Then I read that narcissist abandon people, cut them off. I think the difference is that narcissist use people like locusts and move on leaving a person feeling used or in a sham relationship, whereas others have to cut off for reasons of self protection or to keep the narcissist from driving them nuts. Narcissist are also vindictive for no reason at all, for perceived threats. The more you talk to them the more they find reasons to attack you. Almost sadistic. When she started telling me what I was interested in, I said, "out of here." I am not a real person to her anyway, but a made up character in her head. I don't even think she noticed I'm not there anymore.

Answer

I have a narsisstic sister and for as many years as I can remember I have allowed myself to be manipulated and made to feel guilty by her. Do I love her? Of course, but I realize to stay emotionally healthy myself, I must distance myself from her antics. I have been put down, verbally attacked, cussed out, financially manipulated and used for more years than I can count. My sister has a way of always making herself a victim of the very people she is victimizing. She has no ability to be able to consider anyone's feelings except her own in any and in every situation.

I lost my mother this past year and she even made my mother's death all about her. I went to the hospital to be with my mother during a surgery and my sister told me she knew I was really there for her, I told her gently but firmly, "No, I am here for mother. You are not having surgery." I finally took all I could take and made the decision that no matter how hard it was for me to be strong, I refused to allow myself to be manipulated anymore by her. I explained to her our relationship was in precarious territory and I was trying to salvage what I could but if she did not back off, there would be nothing left to salvage.

Has it been hard? Sure, it has, but it is not fair to me or to her for me to continue to allow her to use and exploit me. She has the attitude that she can do or say anything, no matter how hurtful and I should just accept it because that is just how she is and she cannot help it. She says that after all, she is my sister and I know she loves me. Do I? I used to think she loved me because I love her so much, but I now realize we are not all capable of loving other people. I mean, my mother always told me she loved me too, and all I remember about my childhood is horrible abuse.

I guess I am just emotionally exhausted and tired of all the drama. The strong link that kept my sister and me communicating was the health of my mother. Now, that mother is gone, I find myself wondering what the point is, in trying to cultivate a relationship that has seen so much damage it may not be worth the effort.

My sister is jealous of my relationship with my husband and with my children and now my grandchild. She continually tells me how lucky I am that I got into a good marraige at a young age because I did not endure the abuse she did in her relationships. You see, again it is about her. I told her I am not lucky, I made good choices and she did not. I will not feel guilty for having a husband that loves me and children that are wonderful human beings and productive members of society.

It is always about trying to make me feel guilty because she has had some terrible marraiges and she does not have a relationship like I do with my children. Her children love her but they carry emotional and physical scars from their own childhoods. I am sure, that is my fault too.

My point is this, as much as I love her, and I do very much, I am not willing to allow her to destroy me. My husband and my children need me and I have done nothing to put my sister in the emotional place she is in.

I do not think self preservation is a bad thing. I remember that as a young child, my mother told me if she knew then what she knew now, she would have never had me. Yes, I think my mother was narsisstic and apparently my sister is following in her footsteps. As much as I loved my mother, I knew every time she attempted one of her head games with me and I can see clearly every time my sister lies to me.

I have chosen to love her from a distance and pray for her. I know with every fiber of my being that if my mother had been able to, she would have taken everything from me and given it to my sister. My husband, my children, my home, everything I have and those that I love most would be ripped away from me if my mother had that kind of power. In dealing with both of the closest women to me in my lifetime, I realize I was and am nothing but a vehicle to do for them what they think I owe them. If I had nothing, I do not think it would faze trhem and if I were starving in the street, I think they would go in the opposite direction. My existence, I think in their opinion, is all about what I can do for them.

First answer by Mary. Last edit by Ruby5780. Contributor trust: 21 [recommend contributor]. Question popularity: 174 [recommend question]