How do you know if you are really being verbally and mentally abused?

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I would add that my best resource for this question was "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. In my experience, it was extremely helpful to obtain good advice and to follow it without question. Otherwise, you get caught in the cycle of charming/loving and the times of abuse. Not to mention, the inherent dangers in planning and making your move away from the abuser. If the abuser is interested in changing, it will be best done while you live apart--do not return until changes are visible and long lasting. I can say without a doubt that my life is better and happier now that I do not have my thoughts and life rained on by another person.

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If you feel you are being abused, you are. Here is how I could relate the cycle of abuse to my situation:

Tension:

He would seem edgy. He would answer with snappy one word sentences. He would sound as though it was taking great efort to be civil to me. He would ignore me. I would retreat or try to appease him be remaining calm and logical. I would analyse how I coud change to lessen the tension. I would feel worse and worse with each cycle of abuse as my self esteem and energy was diminished.

Explosion:

He would tell me he dont want me anymore. He would yell at me, tell me its all my fault, that im crazy, that he is barely wanting to be with me, the sex he said was "not bad", he would be physically abusive, mind games, threats. I would isolate feeling like a wounded bird. I would try to comfort myself with ciggarettes and coffee. I was emotionally and physically exhausted and felt very down trodden. I would promise myself that i would dump him.

Honeymoon:

He would want reassurance that I would not dump him. He said the sex was the best he ever had. He would be very affectionate, attentive, talkative, funloving. I would feel stupid as I knew I was getting sucked in but yet I appreciated the man he was now. I kept hoping it would last but I knew it wouldnt. Before long the tension would build.

My story of abuse

I never thought I would be in a emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. This is how it started for me. I fell in love with my future husband 4 years ago while he was serving in the Army. I was only 20 years old. Before we got married I waited for him for a whole year while he was overseas in Iraq. I noticed our arguments became more and more frequent when he returned, especially when he would drink. When he got out of the Army he got his first (or so I thought) DUI and things just started to spiral out of control. I realized he was an alcoholic and I thought I could fix him, and fix our relationship, so we got married and I joined the Air Force. Before I even went to basic training my husband had gotten a second DUI. I was furious and I felt helpless and I wanted to make things better. I wanted to have a better life and so I left for basic training. While I was away in basic and AIT my husband and I seemed to be doing better besides the occasional arguments over the phone. Later, I reflected and came to the decision that there is always a calm before the storm and a false sense of security. To make a long story short about my military career I injured my knee in basic training and I had so much trouble in tech school that I was discharged, an entry level seperation due to the inability to complete my training, because I could not stand in class due to my knee. Before I came home from tech school, my husband was going out with and calling another woman on a regular basis. He was supposibly friends with her in high school. Come to find out they used to date eachother before my husband went into the military. I don't know if anything happened while I was gone for four months in tech school but I do know my husband had lied to me and made me feel like I made him find another woman. He told me that he had to talk to someone about my knee injury and about how I wouldn't be in the Air Force anymore. That enraged me, just to think of another woman consoling my husband while I was busting my ass to make a better life for us and trying to fix mistakes that were never mine to fix in the first place. Things eventually come full circle. Getting back to my story, He told me to go screw myself and that he didn't want to talk to me anymore when I initally confronted him about calling and seeing this woman. Sounds like someone who loves you and cherishes you right? Yeah right!! After lots of crying and contemplation I felt belittled and worthless and this my friend is abuse. As it turns out this woman was seperated from her husband and was a habitual liar, just like my husband, and an unfaithful partner. I still do not know if my husband and "the other woman" were intimate but I know something had to have happended because if he cherished me at all then he wouldn't of been longing for the comfort of another womans words and body. I ended up getting a seperation from my husband and we are still not divorced. When we argue with eachother we end up screaming and cussing at eachother. He calls me a bitc* and blames everything on me. He tells me if I didn't bitc* so much then he would be a happier person and if I wasn't such a bitc* then he would be nicer to me. He has always known the most demeaning thing he could call me is a bitc* and I think that is why he calls me a bitc*. I think he just chew at me until there is nothing left and that is beyond torture and abuse. Over the years I started to believe that no one wanted to be around me because I was everything that my husband said I was; selfish, a bitc*, a liar, stupid and lazy. Only in the past couple months, I've realized that I am in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. It is an emotional roller coaster all the time and there is so much inner guilt the victim feels because they blame themselves, or at least I do. I always pictured getting married and living with the love of my life and being able to share everything with the person and leaning on eachother and supporting eachother and in my seperated marriage I realize why people get divorces and why people loose their self esteem and self worth along the way. I have always blamed myself as if I made my husband drink, even though I myself don't drink, and made myself think that I am the root of all our grief and ultimately my husband fed that dillusional belief until I really believed it. Your personal life can strip you down or build you up and unfortunately I have been stripped. I have realized I have become someone I don't want to be when I am with my husband and it's a vicious cycle because I can't talk to my husband because he won't ever have a serious conversation. Abuse is something that no one should have to endure and if telling my story gives someone some type of relief and reaches out to someone, as to say your not alone and this happens to people but most people try to ignore it or try to make it disappear, then my story has helped someone stop their abusive situation. If you want something you have to make it happen, and if you want to stop being abused then you have to get out and YOU have to make it stop because the abuser won't stop no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise.

Thanks for reading my story and I hope it helps someone along the way.

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sorry I didn't mean to delete someone's answer to put mine in...I just hope to share my experience. Hi. I have been in a verbally & emotionally abusive relationship for nearly 3 years. In the beginning everything was great. Then I opened up to him about my previous negative experiences, such as with my parents and other relationships, including being attacked by a few men before. I prefer not to say it was a mistake to share what I have been through...I certainly feel I told the wrong person. All he did was use my hurt against me. When he first got angry he yelled at me because I did not want to have sex. This was a very touchy area for me & all he did was make me feel worse about myself and say: "you are the one with a problem" "you need help" "you have no direction in your life" "you're all talk and no action" "you don't know who you are, I know you better than you know yourself" "you are the root of the problem" "you are the reason I am frustrated sexually & punch holes in the wall and scream at you" "if I had enough sex/attention/support from you I wouldn't be angry/upset" "I have done nothing wrong" "you are crazy" "you are selfish" "if you didn't have an issue with accepting blame" "you need to apologize to me" blah blah blah & the list goes on. I only asked that he see that he is part of the problem. And then I would be accused of pointing the figure at him!!!! Then he so graciously offered to go to a seminar...not to help himself, but to help him deal with "difficult people" (meaning me!). IF THEY ARE IN DENIAL...LEAVE. I am still struggling with this. The only hope I see is that he is going individually to the same therapist, though I don't know how he will take hearing the truth. I don't know why it is so hard to let him go.

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If he makes you feel bad by what he is saying to you, then it's abuse. He may not realize what he is saying is abusive, but it still is. You should talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. You both may need counseling or you may need to get out if he's not willing to change. There are many different types of verbal and mental abuse.

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Go with your instincts - if you think you're being abused you're right - you are! Not eating? Eating excessively? Drinking? Sleeping excessively? Depressed? Crying? That's no life. What's your mental, emotional and physical being worth? It means nothing to him or he wouldn't treat you this way. The abuser has approximately a 3% chance of getting better - astronomical odds. Would you bet your house or your child's life on something that only had a 3% chance of winning? Let him deal with their own problems. Do not fall for guilt trips, threats of suicide if you leave or promises of getting better if you stay. It is not your responsiblity to save him or be his punching bag. He needs to get better for himself and if he's serious he will change without even the slightest hope of getting you back. It's not your burden to bear what you are in this relationship and if you stay it will waste years of your life and destroy you. If you leave you believe you'll have nothing - that's a lie. Eventually you will heal by puting your trust in Jesus. God will provide for you. If you stay you will have nothing: broken promises, endless grief, a nightmarish emotional roller coaster and no self esteem for the rest of your existence - that's the truth. Cut the cord permanently and let God do the rest. The best thing you can do for both of you is to get yourself out permanently and pray for yourself and him and let God deal with him. You've got to love yourself more than you love him and get out and get safe.

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You will feel like you can't come home, and you will feel afraid. If you are being abused you should tell someone or contact a local domestic violence shelter or agency.

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1. Do you still remember who you are? 2. Do you still remember the dreams you had for your life? 3. Do you feel proud of who you are? 4. Do you feel like you try hard, but you are never able to satisfy him? 5. Are you that wife who feels like she is not good enough to be her man's wife 6. Has he made you feel like he has done you a favor by still being with you? 7. Do you feel like this is all you deserve

Trust me you are precious. You are valuable, and important. You are the best, and that beast doesnt deserve you. Just get going... move out of that relationship. You deserve better than the best. You deserve better than what is being doled out to you.

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I didn't want to come home from work. I prayed for heavy traffic on the way. Sitting stalled on a highway was a precious gift of grace to me and an acceptable excuse for being late. I left early for work. On weekends I tried to blend in to the surroundings so I wouldn't be seen. I've physically shielded our child from rages; the verbal and emotional attacks, no physical abuse, yet. I have felt stripped of confidence and worth at times and showing any degree of independence makes the rages worse. Abuse is control. If you can't reasonably do what you want to do without fear of your spouse's reaction, if there is no negotiation, if there is no give and take, if there is no support, if you live in fear of what could happen next, then you are being abused. Love yourself first and always and then leave the relationship. By the way, I'm a male. Guys, it's indeed difficult in our society and you will pay, but it's possible and it's worth it. There is a wonderful relationship out there with someone who will truly love you, stand by you, and support you. Remember to do the same for her!!!!

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I'd like to say my history has not been perfect. I myself have not been perfect. I have been both abused and abusive. Compromise is the best tool.

I was just reading a book that I thought was rather informative. The book was called Men are from Mars / Women are from Venus. It showed that men tend try to work out things themselves and they tend to go to thier dark caves to think. In most cases when a stressful day occurs we tend to just want to relax by reading a newpaper, playing basket ball, watching the television. When a stressful day occurs for a woman, she will tend to want to talk to someone usually about all the problems. The two ways for dealing with stress are the gender differences underlying us.

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You know that you are being abused when this person makes you feel like crap and always brings you down.Get away from this person.Call a hotline talk to a professional about what you can do and start over. Build up your selfesteem. Good Luck with everything.

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You know you are being abused when your health, mentally, physically and spiritually are not important to your partner. It's when you watch how you phrase any question or request so as not to get him upset, but no matter how you say it, he does. It's hearing how bad a housekeeper you are, a bad cook, a bad lover, fat, how your children don't like you, etc. etc. It's saying to yourself, "I won't let him make me cry this time!", but he always finds something new to push your crying button. It's turning into someone you don't like as your own rage kicks in while he is verballing abusing you. It's doing family/grandchildren events by yourself because he is so self centered he won't go. It's making excuses for his not being there. It's being called names, told you are crazy and sometimes believing it! It's getting no consideration for the fact that you work 40 hr/week and are still supposed to do all the housework, laundry, etc. and STILL have time to spend with him. It's being told "You don't know anything about intimacy". It's seeing him be nice to other people in his professional life and making it look as if YOU are the problem Oh I could go on and on! I know everyone posting here feels these same things, but it's cathartic to write them down. I think after 15 years I have finally had enough. The bad times are now outweighing the good. The verbal abuse and not talking episodes are coming more and more frequently. I don't want to be alone, but I'm killing myself in staying. I don't know how I will make it financially, but peace of mind is priceless. I keep praying for an answer. I pray for him to change. I pray for him to love me.

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You're being abused if you can't talk to your abuser about how they make you feel.

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being verbally abused is someone who consistantly puts you down, yells at you, calls you names, etc. Mental abuse would be more along the lines of trying to manipulate you to do things you probably wouldn't do otherwise and make you feel that if you did things that way it will benefit you but in the end it's benefiting the person who is playing mind games with you. if someone is doing any of these things or all the above then you are being verbally and mentally abused and should seek help or get yourself from the situation. although it's not physical, it hurts just as much sometimes even more because it leaves emotional scars and tears down someone's self esteem. it could cause depression to develop if left untreated and it is experienced for a long period of time. no one deserves any type of abuse and is it in anyway justifiable.

Help!!!!!!

i need some help i live with my boyfriend and we have a 10 mon old son. and today for the second time he slaped me i was completly shocked because we were fine and all of a sudden he slaps me. We were in our bedroom and i was putting some laudry away and i told him to pick up the baby because he was crawling towards some extension cords.Then we began to argue and he hit and got in my face and told me "WHAT" i began to cry like a baby. We have had some pretty bad arguements before and i have told him that i did not want to deal with all of this, that i wanted to end things he had told me no because we have to work things out because of the baby, He always brings up the baby. I think thats why i haven't left him yet, He hurts me so bad he tells me that it my fault for everything that i have to change because i have a bad attitude. He always says that i kill his sprit. I am always to blame ever since we started having problems. amd my fault he didn't finish high school and go on to college but i finshed high school and i'm in college now.

First answer by ID0000000000. Last edit by Sandra88. Contributor trust: 27 [recommend contributor]. Question popularity: 195 [recommend question]