How do you expose narcissism in court during a custody battle?

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Answer

Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating, especially in a court of law, for instance during a deposition:

Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated perception of his grandiose self. Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the narcissist fantasizes that he possesses, any hint that he is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party. Any description of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others. Any hint that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim.

The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing.

The narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his entitlement. Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissist.

Tell the narcissist that he does not deserve the best treatment, that his needs are not everyone's priority, that he is boring, that his needs can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist), that he and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged, that he will do what he is told, that his temper tantrums will not be tolerated, that no special concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self, that he is subject to court procedures, etc. - and the narcissist will lose control.

Contradict, expose, humiliate, and berate the narcissist ("You are not as intelligent as you think you are", "Who is really behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to have", "So, you have no formal education", "you are (mistake his age, make him much older) ... sorry, you are ... old", "What did you do in your life? Did you study? Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a business? Would you define yourself as a success?", "Would your children share your view that you are a good father?", "You were last seen with a Ms. ... who is (suppressed grin) a cleaning lady (in demeaning disbelief)".

Be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information.

Based on my book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

© 2003 Lidija Rangelovska Narcissus Publications

Answer

Absolutely, Madonna.

I would share it with your attorney, if I were you.

More here: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse3.html http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/5.html

Or search my Web site here: http://samvak.tripod.master.com/texis/master/search/mysite.html

Thematic subject Index of the Web site - here: http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/siteindex.html

Participate in discussions about Abusive Relationships - click on these links: http://www.suite101.com/discussions.cfm/npd http://www.suite101.com/discussions.cfm/verbal_emotional_abuse http://www.suite101.com/discussions.cfm/spousal_domestic_abuse http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Narcissistic_Personality_Disorder/ http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER

Links to Therapist Directories, Psychological Tests, NPD Resources, Support Groups, and Tutorials: http://www.suite101.com/links.cfm/npd

Take care.

Sam

Answer

I have just been through a custody and relocation battle with my ex-N husband. I have won the battle - I have received custody and I am able to relocate to finish school.

I found it best not to expose/accuse my ex to be Narcissistic and hence a bad father. I had lots of evidence (his diary where he admitted all of his affairs, his twisted mind and immature thinking were very clear), but I chose not to use it in order to prevent being labled as the scorned and vindictive wife. I have learned that the court places no weight on affairs and emotional abuse. (I live in a no-fault state).

They only look at what is the best interest of the children (in their mind). It is not an objective approach at all.

At all times I kept repeating that the kids love their dad and that he loves them and that I have no intentions to keeping my kids from their father, blah, blah, blah. I even proposed a very generous visitation schedule. I was able to convince the judge that it would be in the best interest of my kids (not me) if I finished my education. Not only did I win my custody battle, I also received permission to relocate.

However, because I am educated and able to care for myself I did not receive a generous monetary compensation. I had to leave most of my personal belongings behind, but I did walk away with what was most important to me: My kids and my freedom.

Answer

Obsolutely they can be exposed in court. Truth is the key. We documented every incident completely - his behavior, late arrivals, injuries, neglect, threats, rages, etc. This makes it more difficult for them to continue making up more stories to explain away the behavior. We focused on his specific behaviors or lack of.

His favorite line was "she's trying to keep the kids away from me." His own behavior proved him a liar. He knows enough to say the right things, but his timing wasn't always appropriate.

He bit one of the twins at the age of two. Children Services investigated and when they scheduled an appt. with him he later cancelled it, knowing he was forfeiting his weekend visit. He blamed the twin bother for the action and later said he had all four kids and was stressed out. He claimed he did it for disciplinary reasons. The case remains opens and he was being watched. Documentation from that agency was given confirming the abuse. When he was in court and the magistrate was talking to him about such abuse, his responded by "throwing himself back in his chair, laughing and saying she questions every little thing I do." I believe he said "it wasn't a big deal, she made it one." The mother of the children responded to him "you are their father and you scared your two year old to death. You think that funny?"

He was ordered to participate in an evaluation. He repeatedly refused all calls from doctor's office to schedule his appts. and the process came to a halt. He had stated he would go once, but if he thought it was a joke he wouldn't go any more. He proved that statement true and not something made up by us. He only scheduled his appts. after a new court order was made that he have the appts. scheduled before the next hearing or his visits would be suspended. He made those appts. the morning of the hearing and proudly told the court "yeap, I made the appts." He made one of those appts. and cancelled the appt.he was to have with the children in attendance the night before the appt. These appts. had been made over a month in advance, but his daughter's softball game was more important to attend, then an evaulation that would determine his visitations. The court order was clear that if he cancelled or no showed on any scheduled appt. he would have his visits suspended. Since he had reschduled, it was decided not to suspend his visits as punishment, and because it would have further negative on the children to make them start again later with visits. He deliberately cancelled the appt. believing his visits would be suspended and he could tell his mother it wasn't his faulth. He thought he would be able to say "what am I suppose to do? I have another kid to do things for too and that #*#* took advantage of it." When this attempt failed he became paniced and called to say he wanted to sign off on the kids because he couldn't afford them. With his confirming he wanted no contact, he was told to cancel the remaining appts. because since he made it clear he wanted his money it would be needed to care for the children. He did just that and told the doctor he wanted to sign off, which generated a letter to the court outlining in clear terms how difficult he was in the process, and confirming what had were trying to prove outright all along. His visits were suspended, but he did it on his own. The only contact for over two months was to call and ask "is it done yet?"

Since he knew everything about his kids and no one could tell him anything, he made the mistake of going back to court for a reduction in support, because he had added an additional child to his list. What he didn't know was the cost of daycare had gone up from $44 a month to $180 a month for over two years. He was never asked to contribute to that increase. When the review was complete and his obligation went from $134 to $161 a month he was raged. He applied for two appeals, at which he buried himself. He even tried to claim the same child twice stating he was child support for it and that he was also living with him. Things he told the court in his many frantic attempts to gain what he needed: 1) What am I suppose to do to live and have fun if I have to pay them this support? 2) My girlfriend is between jobs. 3) My girlfriend isn't living with me any more. Note his girlfriend was with again that day. 4) I had to pay $1900 to get my driver license reinstated and I have to pay car insurance. 5) I'll get a job on second shift and watch them during the day. He forgot about the on going neglect, abuse and evaluation he was refusing to cooperate with. I believe he told the court that a child would be better off spending the day with their loving father, then being put in daycare. 6) I have $800 in out of pocket medical expenses she wants reimbursed for. 7) I still have to buy the stuff my other kid needs when at my house.

In the end he agreed he owed the support only to turn immediately around and file for a deviation based on the same arguments. The court was not pleased.

At no time was it ever suggested his visits be taken away, but rather lessened in time. The mother always contended that the children had a right to a father and she was doing eveyrthing she could do to help be that. The court was clear that if he was late 20 minutes the children wouldn't have to go, and her response was "even if he's late again, can I still let them go?" He refused to give advance notice of what time he would pick the children up, often just showing up. They were always ready. He would sometimes call minutes before arriving, other times he would call to say he needed to clean his house, get groceries and shower before getting them, and demanded she take them to him at a time he demanded. The court ordered a regular pick up time to take way his control of that situation.

We literally spent two years in the court system leading him in the direction of self destruction. I spent endless hours studying cases, reading up on N's disorders, and documenting every word spoken and every action taken. That included all behavior demonstrated by the children after a visit, as well as their behavior upon even seeing him. It also included all his arrests and convictions, research of his involvement in a cult church where he as a star witness for the prosecution, discharge from the military. Anything I could get on him was researched and documented truthfully.

At no time has anyone in our household ever degraded him or suggested negative thoughts to the children, but rather remained upbeat, supportive, consistant and loving to the children.

Keep good records, get outside sources to confirm your suspensions without crying wolf, and play fair even if they don't. In the end, the truth will serve you, because the N can't remember what they said to who, when they said it, etc. He use to say "I know you write down every little thing I say" to which he was told "you would be correct, I do." That was to let him know that he would have a great deal of difficulty remembering what excuse he used on which occassion - there were so many. It also demonstrated his lack of interest in the children.

Good luck in court. Research, research, research and then document the heck out of him/her. Facts and truth are best friend against a N.

First answer by anonymous. Last edit by ID1116744168. Question popularity: 221 [recommend question]