How can you recognize a narcissist?

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Narcissism looks like this...

Your partner treats you and perhaps your children very different in private than in public. In public he may ignore you giving all of his attention to others, or pretend to be the perfect husband or father, while in private he may be sarcastic, haughty and insulting. He may put people down behind their back. He may have a very inflated sense of entitlement and ego, thinking he deserves things that he hasn’t worked for or earned and he may manipulate situations for attention, acting a bit too good to be true. This can fool people and so few of them will believe how he talks to his family in private (I say ‘he’, because I write from our experience, but there are plenty of abusive women with narcissism). He may also show little or no regard for your well being or your feelings.

Unfortunately that’s not all...

He may lie about you or paint a bad picture of you to gain sympathy from others and to justify his own bad behaviour. You probably have no idea of all of the lies he is telling you and the bad things he may be saying about you to others ...

If he makes fights when you try and talk about money he may be hiding credit cards or money transactions from you and his narcissism will cause him to pretend these fights are your fault.

Many narcissists are obsessed by the fantasy of an ideal relationship that is ‘perfect’ (and therefore fantasy!) and are skilled liars. So if the above symptoms of narcissism describe your partner, you should also be aware that he may habitually have secret crushes on other women, be having affairs, using pornography habitually, and/or conducting ‘cyber’ affairs (while lying that he is single) all without you having any knowledge of this. If you notice that your partners mind is often somewhere else, and they show narcissistic tendencies, this could be the reason. This obsession with his own inner fantasy life is part of what makes him unavailable, impatient and cross with you. It is a major symptom of the disorder. (Find help for fantasy sex addiction at the link at the bottom of this page titled - narcissism and sex).

Not all people with narcissism are physically abusive, but it is also a significant indicator that you will wind up being part of a domestic violent marriage. The physical abuse is not always perpetrated by the narcissist either. It is normal to become very angry with someone who manipulates you and puts you down. It is normal after years of this treatment, (especially if you discover that they have been lying to and cheating on you) to even want to kill them or wish them dead, so getting the right help and support is very important, and can be very hard to find. There are very few people who understand narcissism or believe there is any cure, and those who say to ‘leave and have no contact’ are giving you very dangerous advice. This is exactly how to provoke rage in someone with narcissism. If you want to leave, please get advice first on how to do it safely. I knew a woman who was killed in front of her small children after leaving her partner, so be concerned about your safety ...

Trying to diagnose someone with a disorder is not a really a good idea when there are many who will then say that you must divorce them and have no contact and that there is no cure.

If your partner displays this behaviour it is not important to figure out the correct diagnosis, what you need to do is take steps to protect yourself and save your marriage before it is too late.

My husband was diagnosed NPD and yet still he got better and we have a great marriage now. We help partners of narcissists save their marriages too.

Kim Cooper author of "Back from the Looking Glass" Living with the personality disorder that causes emotional and domestic abuse

Recognizing a Narcissist

According to Sam Vaknin, "Narcissists are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to capture. Even an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated access to the record and to the person examined would find it fiendishly difficult to determine with any degree of certainty whether someone suffers from an impairment, i.e., a mental health disorder � or merely possesses narcissistic traits, a narcissistic personality structure ('character'), or a narcissistic 'overlay' superimposed on another mental health problem."

Here is more input:

• They are the biggest liars you've ever seen. They will look you right in your eyes, swear on a stack of bibles and tell you the biggest lie you've ever heard. They will say they're not going to do something, while plotting to do just what they say they wouldn't do. They're very out of touch with their feelings. They talk just to hear themselves talk - while not believing anything they're trying to convince you of.

• It will become obvious very soon: an over-inflated ego. Astonishing lies. Exaggerated emotion.

• The old adage "if its too good to be true then it usually is" applies directly to narcissists.

• On first meeting a narcissist will engage you directly with their eyes, then they will move away from you. They will make you feel unique and that because they have such a grandiose sense of self worth then their attentions on you also reflect your worth. They will initially flatter you in a way that can be quite embarassing. e.g, "I made you blush," "No you didn't," "Yes I did. Look you've gone all pink." A narcissist projects an air of his own self importance. His facade is well cultivated. The very second you construe a behaviour that is immoral in anyway and he/she uses an excuse to justify the behaviour that is in itself immoral then you most likely are in the presence of a naracissist.

• How can you recognize a narcissist? I would say look at his family. His family, like ours, is a springboard of verbal and emotional abuse. He treats himself to everything, but his family has financial restrictions. He doesn't participate in caretaking or nurturning, however he is quite availiable to condemn, criticize and complain. The only great ideas are his, and the only valid purchases are those he justifies. He brags about how smart, healthy, talented and unique he is, but fails to appreciate everyone around him. He even puts his children down to elevate his own ego, and truly fails to appreciate what he so boldly steps on. There is no empathy, only exaggerated self emotion, self importance and self concern. You will have no peace living with a NPD, but removing him from your family's lives is no easier with this knowledge. Before you know it, you are entwined and smothered in his oppression, gasping for air for you and your family. I think a N is like toxic waste, there is no way to remain healthy while one is in your life.

• A narcissist is, at first glance, a friendly, real person. This is the narcissist's bait. The person lures people in, only to control them, in any shape ore form. You will not recognize this, but as time progresses, you will feel guilty. The most important thing to recognize is that you need to live your own life and not be controlled by a narcissist. They steal your relationships with people and haunt your feelings. They are a very special, wicked breed of people, who get away with what they do. My advice: be careful with who you meet; don't be misled.

• They will relate to the problems in your life, claiming that something very similar has happened to them. They make it sound like they and they alone truely understand and relate to you. They get you to share very personal things and make you feel like you've found someone who has been through what you have been through. And it's very comforting.

• It is difficult at first since they try to charm. Some possibilities: They have no sense of humor ... They manipulate and control ... They do not have a significant number of long-term relationships ... Their eyes have no soul They talk but only to hear themselves; dominate conversations ... They try to give people their opinions ... They love attention ... They are cheap ... This person's close friends have begun to assume some of their characteristics but don't hide them in front of you because they are not activley trying to manipulate you (yet)

• Benign narcissist are usually just braggarts. Malignant narcissist have subtle ways of cutting down other people. I am always surprised at their ability to brainwash people. Here are some of them I noticed, but I'm sure there are plenty more tricks they use out there. Everything they say is exaggeration, deception or lie. Everyone word out of their mouth is 1) self praise or, 2)cut someone or some group down. Biggest clue is that when they get done talking to you, you are left with a negative impression of someone, but the N never came right out and said anything directly. Train yourself to become aware as soon as you think someting negative about someone. You didn't really think it up yourself. It was planted. So be on the look out for sudden bad lighting on someone.

• Narcissists are by definition liars. They appear to be something they are not. They seem educated, confidant, charming, and social. They are master manipulators and total control freaks. They have no emotions and are void of empathy. They feel for no one but themselves. They are a bottomless pit that is never satisfied. They are incapable of giving and receieving true love. They think they are better than everyone else, always right and never wrong, and their way is always the best way to do anything. They love attention. They think only of themselves, but make you think they are thinking of your best intrests. They dont mind buying you lavish gifts as long as they do not have to give of themselves, especially their time. Their time is precious to them and you do not deserve any of their time unless it is to their benefit. You exist solely to please them. To them, you are less than human, you are not worthy of their mere presence.

• Constant talking and praising of herself while putting others down. She always has the better recipe, has eaten a better meal than you a serving her, knows more about any topic than you do, and when she is unfamliar with the topic insists on immediately changing the topic. Forgets her friends and families birthdays, and doesn't care about it; while at the same time expecting huge parties and lavish gifts for her own birthday. Lies easily, and with such ease that it is difficult to detect, since it is so common. Always wants more from you; you could never give enough. When people call her a "princess" she thinks it is a compliment. Competes with people on every dimension; if you are sick, you should feel sorry for HER since she feels bad that you are sick. Never goes out of her way for anyone, even a dying "best" friend. Thinks she is entitled to everything in the world; does not expect to earn anything. You can tell when she is on the phone with anyone, since the other party is limited to saying "uh huh" or the like. She never asks people about their interests, and doesn't care what they do. Her children's accomplishments are only valuable to the extent she can boast about them to other people. She dominates (or tries to) any social gathering. She has no intimate knowledge of another human being. She sees herself as extremely talented and extraordinarily bright, more than most of the world. She expects gain with no effort. She has no empathy with other people.

• Unfortunately you dont really detect anything until they have made sure your hooked. But I can list the most obvious traits I had in my nightmarish experience. 1. Will lie blatantly whilst looking you directly in the eyes. 2. Will lie about who they are, what they do, and even what they had for breaky if they feel like it. 3. It's all about them and their problems and their needs all the time, if you try to tell them about you....a look of disinterest will appear on their faces...and they lead it back to them. 4. Your emotions and feelings and needs mean nothing...you are only there for their needs...end of story. 5.Their moods and emotions are extreme...and one night they can be crying and sobbing and (sucking you dry for support) and the next day they havnt a worry in the world. 6.They will push and push for what they want until you succumb to their wishes or needs regardless of how you feel about it. 7.They have to be with people and are terrified of their parents dying and leaving them (if of course the parents are supplying something they need). 8. They are never at fault, and even if they say it once or twice that they are...its only words to make them seem more human. 9. When they find other better fresher supplies of attention...you will become non existant, until they may need you again one day when they may just rear their heads again and try and suck you back in. 10. They will be nice as pie to your face and turn around and tell the next person they see and say you are nothing to them. 11. They are master manipulators and use any information they have on you to control you and get them what they want. 12. Their emotions are shallow and have no meaning and everyone in their lives are nothing but a source of attention. 13. They say things that are so out there that you think they have gone to another planet.

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First answer by anonymous. Last edit by Kimcoo. Contributor trust: 36 [recommend contributor]. Question popularity: 630 [recommend question]