How can you defend yourself against your narcissistic parent's rage?

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The narcissist is a binary human being: the carrot is the stick in his case. If he gets too close to someone emotionally, he fears ultimate and inevitable abandonment. He, thus, distances himself, acts cruelly and brings about the very abandonment that he feared in the first place.

In this paradox lies the key to coping with the narcissist. If, for instance, he is having a rage attack -- rage back. This will provoke in him fears of being abandoned and the resulting calm will be so total that it might seem eerie. Narcissists are known for these sudden tectonic shifts in mood and in behaviour patterns.

Mirror the narcissist's actions and repeat his words. If he threatens -- threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house -- leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious -- act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level -- because that's the only way to penetrate his thick defences. Faced with his mirror image -- the narcissist always recoils.

The other coping strategy is to give up on him.

Abandon him and go about reconstructing your own life. Very few people deserve the kind of investment that is an absolute prerequisite to life with a narcissist. To cope with a narcissist is a full time, energy and emotion-draining job, which reduces people around the narcissist to insecure nervous wrecks. Who deserves such a sacrifice?

Many additional tips here. Though the tips deal with one type of relationship with a narcissist (marriage) -- they are applicable to all:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse3.html

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/npdtips.html

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq75.html

Take care.

Sam

Based on my book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

(c) 2003 Lidija Rangelovska Narcissus Publications

Answer

Point out what they are doing. They have pride and ego and the need to be seen as good people. They have to be in control and making the decisions. Stand up to them, don't flinch and say, "ok, let's get the daily beating and battering over with, because there's a show I want to watch on TV. Can you be done in say...10 minutes?" It takes all the fun out of it for them. It's not fun for them if you are not whimpering and helpless. Plus, they thought it was their decision to beat you, now that it's your decision, they are no longer interested. If you are in control, they just automatically do the opposite to show you who's really in control. Don't tell them what to do.

First answer by Michele Vaccarello. Last edit by ID1136557365. Question popularity: 207 [recommend question]