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Ah, the million dollar question! It took awhile to let the news sink in for me. The realization came in layers. I went through all the stages...denial, anger, intense sadness...Denial was the first and the longest for me. I knew, but I just didn't want to believe it. It seemed too surreal to think that I had once believed so completely in a total lie. He never cared, was incapable, really. AND he was such a smooth operator. He had me believing in all sorts of things. He used manipulation to draw my attention from what was really happening. It worked for awhile. At one point I got angry and suspicious enough to start questioning things. I had to work hard to let go of the illusion that things were ok. They just weren't. Damn, it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I am now 5 months out of the relationship. Entire days go by where I don't even think about him. I call that real progress. It is hard, but you must get away. An N will destroy you if you let them. Good luck!

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I would like to expand on my previous answer a bit. I too struggle with feelings of love for my N aven after I have left him for good. I have tried to pinpoint just what it was that drew me to him so. Maybe it is the same for you? Mine appealed to my sensitivities. He would cry over things, seemed so sentimental, would hold my hand and proclaim his deep and undying love for me. He seemed to be exactly what I would have wished for myself. When he started abusing me, it was such a dramatic change of face, it was uncanny. I kept wishing, and eventually got, the sweet loving man back only to have him turn around and abuse me again. I did not want to admit to myself what was happening. I had invested so much in the relationship, I didn't want to believe anything was wrong. Things were actually terribly wrong, and I dealt with a huge anxiety that I believed would destroy me before I worked up the courage to leave. The 'good ' times became fewer and farther between. I found myself getting angry. I threw him out of my house and have not talked to him since. I still remember the "good' times that I know now were an illusion. He was a con, a fake. I don't beat myself up, nor should you. How are we to know until we KNOW? I feel twinges of love after 5 months without him, but they are fading. I am finally able to reason with myself that it was a lost cause. Blessed acceptance! It was a long time coming. Good luck to you. Love can and will find you again. You will be wiser next time.

First answer by Grvtattoo. Last edit by Grvtattoo. Contributor trust: 112 [recommend contributor]. Question popularity: 26 [recommend question]