Can you trust an abuser to honor agreements?

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My bad...I failed to mention that i am seeking help outside of just trying to do it myself. I am already seeing our chaplain and seeking a psychologist as well. As for embarrassment, I do not feel that because i need to seek help, what i am embarrassed/ashamed about is the way i treated her. Thanks for your response.

To the young man who posted

I give you credit for admitting you have abused your girlfriend and you're trying to change, but the one thing you didn't mention was that you would seek counseling. You are not crazy, but you need to seek professional help to find out why you feel this rage within you. We all come through life with some garbage tied to our butts and some isn't all that bad while others can really put you off course in your life.

Seek counseling and get to the root of why you feel this rage at times. There is nothing to be embarrassed about and smart people seek this help.

The fact of abuse is that men will try to "fix themselves" or not even bother and continue with their abusive attitude and 99% of them never seek professional help because they are in denial and feel there really is nothing wrong with themselves.

I know you are trying, but, please get some psychological help. You'll feel like you have burned some bad bridges behind you.

Good luck

Answer

How can one negotiate with an abuser without incurring his wrath? What is the meaning of contracts "signed" with bullies? How can one motivate the abuser to keep his end of the bargain - for instance, to actually seek therapy and attend the sessions? And how efficacious is psychotherapy or counseling to start with?

It is useless to confront the abuser head on and to engage in power politics ("You are guilty or wrong, I am the victim and right", "My will should prevail", and so on). It is decidedly counterproductive and unhelpful and could lead to rage attacks and a deepening of the abuser's persecutory delusions, bred by his humiliation in the therapeutic setting. Better, at first, to co-opt the abuser's own prejudices and pathology by catering to his infantile emotional needs and complying with his wishes, complex rules and arbitrary rituals.

Here a practical guide how to drag your abuser into treatment and into a contract of mutual respect and cessation of hostilities (assuming, of course, you want to preserve the relationship):

1. Tell him that you love him and emphasize the exclusivity of your relationship by refraining, initially and during the therapy, from anxiety-provoking acts. Limiting your autonomy is a temporary sacrifice - under no circumstances make it a permanent feature of your relationship. Demonstrate to the abuser that his distrust of you is misplaced and undeserved and that one of the aims of the treatment regimen is to teach him to control and reduce his pathological and delusional jealousy.

2. Define areas of your common life that the abuser can safely - and without infringing on your independence - utterly control. Abusers need to feel that they are in charge, sole decision-makers and arbiters.

3. Ask him to define - preferably in writing - what he expects from you and where he thinks that you, or your "performance" are "deficient". Try to accommodate his reasonable demands and ignore the rest. Do not, at this stage, present a counter-list. This will come later. To move him to attend couple or marital therapy, tell him that you need his help to restore your relationship to its former warmth and intimacy. Admit to faults of your own which you want "fixed" so as to be a better mate. Appeal to his narcissism and self-image as the omnipotent and omniscient macho. Humour him for a while.

4. Involve your abuser, as much as you can, in your life. Take him to meet your family, ask him to join in with your friends, to visit your workplace, to help maintain your car (a symbol of your independence), to advise you on money matters and career steps. Do not hand over control to him over any of these areas - but get him to feel a part of your life and try to mitigate his envy and insecurity.

5. Encourage him to assume responsibility for the positive things in his life and in your relationship. Compliment the beneficial outcomes of his skills, talents, hard work, and attitude. Gradually, he will let go of his alloplastic defences - his tendency to blame every mistake of his, every failure, or mishap on others, or on the world at large.

6. Make him own up to his feelings by identifying them. Most abusers are divorced from their emotions. They seek to explain their inner turmoil by resorting to outside agents ("look what you made me do" or "they provoked me"). They are unaware of their anger, envy, or aggression. Mirror your abuser gently and unobtrusively ("how do you feel about it?", "when I am angry I act the same", "would you be happier if I didn't do it?").

7. Avoid the appearance - or the practice - of manipulating your abuser (except if you want to get rid of him). Abusers are very sensitive to control issues and they feel threatened, exploited, and ill-treated when manipulated. They invariably react with violence.

8. Treat your abuser as you would like him to behave towards you. Personal example is a powerful proselytizer. Don't act out of fear or subservience. Be sincere. Act out of love and conviction. Finally, your conduct is bound to infiltrate the abuser's defenses.

9. React forcefully, unambiguously, and instantly to any use of force. Make clear where the boundary of civilized exchange lies. Punish him severely and mercilessly if he crosses it. Make known well in advance the rules of your relationship - rewards and sanctions included. Discipline him for verbal and emotional abuse as well - though less strenuously. Create a hierarchy of transgressions and a penal code to go with it.

Answer

I find that your answer is maybe a little to formal...perhaps you have never been abused? Speaking from experience here...most abusers do not keep their agreements with the abused...otherwise they would never abuse again, and again, speaking from my own experiences with abusive relationships, we, the abused know that it is rare to be abused only once and then all is well...

So I give and emphatic NO! to the answer...you CANNOT trust the abuser to keep his committments...unless they are to someone outside the relationship...because he/she does not want to "look bad" in other people's eyes!

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No. No. and No ! Trust ? Honor ? When someone abuses you, they tell you right there that you are less. They lie and blame, to make you think that you made it happen somehow. Don't they seem to treat everyone else, including strangers, better than you ? The only thing that will make them honor anything is to bolster their ego, or threat of somehow getting hurt like getting put in jail, losing a job etc. The abuser has no feelings for his victim like that. He's already proved it.

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In my experience an abuser will only honor agreements that are in his/her best interest not yours.

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simple answer NO! They always said they would change, that it wouldnt happen again. BET IT DID AGAIN AND AGAIN. BET THEY SAID THEY WOULD VERBALLY ABUSE OR PHYSICALLY HURT YOU AGAIN, same answer? MY EXPERIENCE BEING HE SAID HE WOULD PAY ME THE MONEY I GAVE HIM AS A LOAN. i am seeking a solicitor. guess what, he has stopped payments. THEY COULD MOT BE TRUSTED IN THE ABUSIVE REALTAIONSHIP, DONT BE NIAVE AND THINK THEY WILL HONOR PAYMENTS AND COMMITMENTS OUT OF THE ABUSE. they are still trying to control and attempt to intimate and manipulate. seek professional advise. keep reacords.

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I left my husband because he physically hit me on from of our 18 month old son. he is very controlling and I don't trust him anymore. I heard from our Minister that he is in Anger and Management programs which I feel will not stop his abusive ways. His father abused him and his mother. Is there any help from him? How will I know that he is now sincere, that he will not abuse me and my son in anyways (verbally, physically, emotionally etc).

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What has all been said above holds true. I have been told that I may be a stealth abuser so I have been reading up on it to find out about it. The bottom line is that yes, I have done some of these things. There is no excuse for my actions and feel ashamed for my actions. But the one thing I have gathered over the last few weeks since losing my girlfriend is this...that we are responsible for our own actions and that if confronted directly there is hope to change your pattern. One, because you can now see what your actions have done (in my case, I hurt someone very special to me) and beforehand the gravity of your actions were not really noticed. I am not making any excuses, I am simply stating a fact. Yes, I was ignorant, but all of us at one time have been. Two, when the reality hits you of what you are really losing you will see things in a new light. By this I mean, if you had dreams and all of a sudden they are snatched from you because of your own actions, you tend to sit back and relook at your ways. And at this point you need to be really honest with yourself...why did I start something with this person in the first place? It certainly was not to hurt the person, but to make them happy ( I failed at this by losing that focus). Third, They may not accept it or believe you that you are trying to change for the better, and by all means I would not blame them, but it is your responsibility to do the right thing and do it regardless. If something is so important to you, you WILL do what is necessary, especially if it is put right in your face. You have two choices at that time...be stubborn, proud, or just dumb and lose everything OR admit to your faults, face them, and make a poignant effort to change your ways or lose what you had. Simply put, appreciate the chance to change for the better or continue to live a life of misery. If we classify everyone who shows some signs all the same and say they can not be trusted, it would be the same as saying that anyone who is Hispanic(I am one) swam across the border. It is not completely fair. There are those out there that can be trusted if they have a goal to better themselves and make a happier life for that person they hurt. Those people do feel a sense of remorse and act upon that by doing their best. Because they know what the consequences are if they don't keep their word and the benefits of changing...you have more to gain and everything to lose by not keeping your word.

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Generally , no you can not. Abuse is a vicious cycle. The abuser will mask the problem for a while and get you to feel comfortable in the relationship again then pull their crap again. Why not realize that you deserve to live a life without strife meaning get around positive people and surroundings that will enhance your life and make it a happy one. We only live once so move on and let the abuser be live there miserable existance alone.

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I can see your point, but at the same time i can see a lot of anger and the unwillingness to let go on your part, it sounds like you've been hurt beforehand, and I am sorry to hear that. We all make mistakes and it's those people who allow us the opportunity to change that make an impact in our lives. Saying that someone can not change means that you yourself can not change and that you plan on living your life always looking over your shoulder. Who is now living a misearble life? You have effectively allowed this person to be unknowingly a part of your life by keeping this attitude. Please let go of the bitterness you may feel and live a positive life. This world is not perfect and we are going to be around all kinds of people. Cycles can be broken, otherwise, why would we have professionals to go to for help? People do change and do it everyday. Can you honestly say that you have lived a perfect life and never had to change?

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Yes. If you agree to be abused, he'll promise anything.

First answer by anonymous. Last edit by Abnrgr 2. Contributor trust: 85 [recommend contributor]. Question popularity: 165 [recommend question]