Can therapy help an abuser?

Answer

Most of us want the best for our abuser because we truly do love them. But the thing is that there are some things we can't give other people unconditionally. As Christians, we are taught to give altruistically without expecting a responding action. But, verbal and physical abuse are so dangerous to the victim that a boundary of seeing action in response to promises to do better has to be in place. So a promise of doing better has to include the action of really doing so. On their own, regardless of any triggering responses the victim may inadvertently present. On their own, in real circumstances so the victim does not have to walk on eggshells. This is not an easy transformation. Anger is one thing, but to relearn responses to life events (aka life is messy)is another science altogether. Some say it can be done, but the abuser has just as much trouble making it happen as the victims do in leaving. I believe that success is rare.

Answer

Courts regularly send offenders to be treated as a condition for reducing their sentences. Yet, most of the programs are laughably short (between 6 to 32 weeks) and involve group therapy - which is useless with abusers who are also narcissists or psychopaths.

Rather than cure him, such workshops seek to "educate" and "reform" the culprit, often by introducing him to the victim's point of view. This is supposed to inculcate in the offender empathy and to rid the habitual batterer of the residues of patriarchal prejudice and control freakery. Abusers are encouraged to examine gender roles in modern society and, by implication, ask themselves if battering one's spouse was proof of virility.

Anger management - made famous by the eponymous film - is a relatively late newcomer, though currently it is all the rage. Offenders are taught to identify the hidden - and real - causes of their rage and learn techniques to control or channel it.

But batters are not a homogeneous lot. Sending all of them to the same type of treatment is bound to end up in recidivism. Neither are judges qualified to decide whether a specific abuser requires treatment or can benefit from it. The variety is so great that it is safe to say that - although they share the same misbehavior patterns - no two abusers are alike.

In their article, "A Comparison of Impulsive and Instrumental Subgroups of Batterers", Roger Tweed and Donald Dutton of the Department of Psychology of the University of British Columbia, rely on the current typology of offenders which classifies them as:

"... Overcontrolled-dependent, impulsive-borderline (also called "dysphoric-borderline" - SV) and instrumental-antisocial. The overcontrolled-dependent differ qualitatively from the other two expressive or "undercontrolled" groups in that their violence is, by definition, less frequent and they exhibit less florid psychopathology. (Holtzworth-Munroe & Stuart 1994, Hamberger & hastings 1985) ... Hamberger & Hastings (1985,1986) factor analyzed the Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory for batterers, yielding three factors which they labeled "schizoid/borderline" (cf. Impulsive), "narcissistic/antisocial" (instrumental), and "passive/dependent/compulsive" (overcontrolled).. Men, high only on the impulsive Factor, were described as withdrawn, asocial, moody, hypersensitive to perceived slights, volatile and over-reactive, calm and controlled one moment and extremely angry and oppressive the next - a type of "Jekyll and Hyde" personality. The associated DSM-III diagnosis was Borderline Personality. Men high only on the instrumental factor exhibited narcissistic entitlement and psychopathic manipulativeness. Hesitation by others to respond to their demands produced threats and aggression ..."

But there are other, equally enlightening, typologies (mentioned by the authors). Saunders suggested 13 dimensions of abuser psychology, clustered in three behavior patterns: Family Only, Emotionally Volatile, and Generally Violent. Consider these disparities: one quarter of his sample - those victimized in childhood - showed no signs of depression or anger! At the other end of the spectrum, one of every six abusers was violent only in the confines of the family and suffered from high levels of dysphoria and rage.

Impulsive batterers abuse only their family members. Their favorite forms of mistreatment are sexual and psychological. They are dysphoric, emotionally labile, asocial, and, usually, substance abusers. Instrumental abusers are violent both at home and outside it - but only when they want to get something done. They are goal-orientated, avoid intimacy, and treat people as objects or instruments of gratification.

Still, as Dutton pointed out in a series of acclaimed studies, the "abusive personality" is characterized by a low level of organization, abandonment anxiety (even when it is denied by the abuser), elevated levels of anger, and trauma symptoms.

It is clear that each abuser requires individual psychotherapy, tailored to his specific needs - on top of the usual group therapy and marital (or couple) therapy. At the very least, every offender should be required to undergo these tests to provide a complete picture of his personality and the roots of his unbridled aggression:

1. The Relationship Styles Questionnaire (RSQ)

2. Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory-II (MCMI-II)

3. Conflict Tactics Scale (CTS)

4. Multidimensional Anger Inventory (MAI)

5. Borderline Personality Organization Scale (BPO)

6. Trauma Symptom Checklist (TSC-33)

7. The Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI)

Answer

to me therapy is only going to help him if he wants it. you asking him to go will more than likely be a waste of money. if he truly wants the help do not give up on him

Answer

Like what everyone else has said, only if the abuser legitimately wants assistance in preventing his abusive actions. Most abusers aren't even willing to admit they have a problem, or they are just as likely to blame the abused victim for their anger.

Has the abuser asked for help from his own free will? Or he is suddenly willing to get help, only because you threatened to leave him or report him to the authorities?

In the first scenario, go into this counseling, but be realistic that it might not provide any long term solution. In the second scenario, the abuser is trying to manipulate your sympathy through a confession of his problem. He will go to counseling, not for his problem, but to placate you into giving up your threats.

Answer

Based upon my personal experience with a verbally and physically abusive spouse, the answer is NO.

Answer

I am an abuser. I am disheartened by what I read. I do not want to continue being such a person. I can remember when I was not like this. I do not want to be abusive, and know that my wife is not the source of my anger. I myself have found that angermanagment does not work for me. Counting to ten and or trying to refocus it does not work for me either. Hitting my wife does not make sense to me either, and I really don't understand why I did it. I am utterly confused about it. I love her and yet I have violated her trust on more than one occasion.

There has to be more to me than what I have done. There has to be some kind of treatment, something must work. I do not like doing what I have done.

As I do more research, I become more scared that I will continue no matter what I do. I would honestly rather be struck dead than continue to do what I have done.

I have to admit that what made me seek treatment was a protection from abuse order. I am trully scared I will be nothing more than an abuser.

I have admitted to everyone I can think of that I am an abuser, that I have abused my wife.

Answer

This post is for the guy who admitted that he is an abuser--

I am a victim in an abused relationship. If my abuser wrote what your wrote, then I would be the happiest person in this world.

Basing on what you wrote, your change has started because you admit what you did is wrong. With acceptance, you have already started your change. At this point, you might not understand your abusive behavior, but it's good to remember that change takes time.

Answer

Counselling may be an answer for some people and it need not necessarily come from a professional every time. Finding someone you can talk to and be completely honest with is one of the first steps on the road to recovery. Admitting you have a problem has got to be the first... Through personal experience (And I don't think it's going to be possible to say what I want without using I...), I have found that friends and family are a good start. My experience is from an abusers point of view and I am so ashamed of what I did. Before the incident... That sounds too clinical - Before I threw my partner several feet across the sidewalk to land face first on the concrete, I never believed I was capable of inflicting hurt upon another human being, let alone this woman I love to the very bottom of my heart. I still don't understand why I did what I did, although I'm sure that alcohol is part of the reason. Not an excuse because there is no such thing for violence of any nature. The alcohol may have been a catalyst for further underlying problems and I'm still unsure what all of those are. Nobody deserves the kind of treatment I dealt out and I can only hope, as a previous abuser has noted, that counselling may help, because like them I'd rather be dead than see someone suffer at my hand again. I too have told everyone I know what I did. My partner feels ashamed about what happened and is scared to talk to anyone about it. I'd rather have it out in the open as she was abused, not the abuser and has no need to feel any kind of guilt. I on the other hand am riddled with it and would like to know that she can have the support she needs without me being an intimidating factor. I also hope there is a chance out there for people who have done this type of thing to change. Don't be afraid to talk... Some of us need that wake up call and those that won't take it need to be removed from your life.

Answer

Yes, therapy can be very beneficial, however it is not helpful unless the abuser is ready for it. It depends on what kind of abuse is in question I know from personal experience about violent,threatening, emotional type abuse from my boyfriend. My abuser boyfriend of 9 years outright hated therpists for years then in his "sorry" phase would beg for forgiveness and suggest therapy, never following through. We seperated for 10 months no contact, he hit rock bottom, we did get back together and began couple councilling together, it was a success, although it is ongoing, we have had near slip ups again if we have not had therapy a while but as long as the communication stays open it can be sucessfull. The best thing gained from therapy is the knowledge and understanding of why the abuse happens, it has guided us to a healthy way of controlling our happiness together. There is hope out there in therapy.. but I do stress that it can only be achieved thru total commitment at a time of readiness, some are not ready to commit to therapy until after the damage is unrepairable. If you find yourself in a relationship that is threatening contact a local service to help you decide what action to take, you need to judge for yourself whether to wait to see if or when the abuser will be committed genuinely to therapy before its too late or to leave. Either way it is the protection of yourself that is most important.

Answer

"can Therapy HELP an abuser" that is my question also....I am a female with a violent temper and I have taken it out on my husband very harshly. It is so bad that we might split up and he might leave me. I want help!! I want to try counseling and have called doctors for appointments. I feel like he won't even give me a chance to improve and it is very discouraging. I don't want to give up this fight against violence, but is there hope to improve my temper?? I feel like there is more information for people being abused rather than how abusers can stop and Resolve violence!

Answer

I agree that there is very little information out there about helping abusers to change their behavior. I am in a mutually abusive relationship. We are both abusive to each other in different ways. There is no lack of love here and so we keep trying to help each other and learn new ways to communicate and deal with stress and anger but it has been difficult. Actual physical violence is rare in our case but things have been known to get broken. Naturally since I am the female, everyone wants to take my side and portray him as the bad guy but that really is not the case. When I look at domestic violence check lists, I see behaviors on there that I show as well. We do want to stay together and have a healthy relationship, especially since we have children. We want to be a good example for them but we are getting more and more discouraged and we are almost to the point of breaking up just to stop the cycle. Which is not something either of us wants to do. We have gotten some counseling and it has helped to a point but as I said earlier, since I am the female, I am automatically considered to be the victim and advised to leave. I believe that in my case, what usually triggers my abuse toward my husband is extreme PMS. My counselor told me that there really isn't much that can be done about that except to avoid confrontations during that time. She said the alternative was anti-depressants but that they are usually not effective. I have also done some research on this and can't find anything to help.

Answer

Read the Book: WHY DOES HE DO THAT? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft. According to the author. The answer is yes, there are some abusers who decide to dig down inside of themselves, root out the values tht drive their abusive behavior, and develop a truly new way of interacting with their partner. However, there are no shorcuts to change, no magical overnight transformations, no easy ways out. Change is difficult, uncomfortable work. It can be done, if the abuser is willing to work hard, but it is complex and painstaking. Remaining abusive in many ways is easier than stepping out of his pattern, because he becomes attached to the many rewards that his controlling and intimidating behaviors bring him, he is highly reluctant to make significant changes in his way of operating in a relationship. (This book changed and perhaps saved my life)!

Answer

I feel that prison, jail, probabtion are the best therapies for abusers. They've committed a crime - they are no better than any other criminal.

Batter Intervention programs are short & tend to teach abusers new skills, rather than help.

I find it interesting that the poster above only "discovered" they were an abuser after an order of protection was filed against them. This is so often the case with batterers, playing the "unknowing victim of their own demons" and only seeking help when their personal freedom is at stake. Good luck to you if you truly want to change. I hope you can do it. One less abuser in this world is a good thing.

Answer

Therapy cannot help any disfunction unless the individual is truly motivated. What provides that motivation, in the case of an abuser, may have to be rather extreme. Knocking the abuser flat on his back with the realization that his actions have cost him everything he holds dear can have a profound impact on his resolve to change. To be removed from his home, to lose his wife and children and not be allowed to contact them can do more than merely bring him to his knees. When this abuser gets over feeling sorry for himself and fully realises the pain he caused his loved ones and then feels their pain he is driven to change indeed. No wonder so many find a girlfriend and move on. For the abuser who truly loves his family and seeks reconcilliation and not diversion a hard road lies ahead. The abuser who admits his fault and goes to work on the problem is then faced with the stigma of all the negative attitudes displayed as to his chances for success. To admit his problems and attempt to save his marriage seems to be a concept easily scoffed at on this message board. I agree that the victim deserves the lions share of support and protection. Where is the support for the abuser who is truly willing to change? Could some families be saved? Could renewed and healthy relationships then be extended to happy families with children that grow up to be non-abusive? Would the concept that curing abuse in our society be achieved through healing abusers be so unacceptable? I intend to become non-abusive. I hope my wife is not dis-heartened by reading what seems to be an endless parade of failures and negative reports on this board and gives up on me.

Answer

Abuser are not stricken by viruses. These issues stem from somewhere, you dont just wake up with the feeling of wanting to abuse. Most people dont even realise they are being abusive, and for most if the abused partner would stand up and say this is going to far; get help, they would. Doing Therapy to find past demons is the key. I think it is sad to see how much anger there is against abuser. It should be understood that most have been abused in the past and they were victim to. I wish i would have seeked therapy and realised the escalation of abuse. I think that someone that recognise is mistake and seek help on his own without any court order deserve a second chance.

The christian values calls for forgiveness but it is appauling to see how many christian are not practicing forgiveness and only pick and choose their values. Like the previous post i do also hope that my girlfreind does not spend too much time reading the negative posts. To the people venting all their anger in these forums instead of seeking help to resolve their issues shame on you. This should be an open forum for discussion and understanding, not bashing at vulnerable people.

Answer

>>> "[P]rison, jail, probabtion are the best therapies for abusers. They've committed a crime - they are no better than any other criminal". <<<

Either this is based on the assumption that prison 'works' as a therapy - and it's notororiously ineffective in many cases - or it's based on a desire for retribution. There are cases where retribution is appropriate, but it's not therapy.

Moreover, many kinds of abuse aren't crimes in the legal sense - for example, one can't be locked up for endlessly humiliating people, routinely putting them down. Take the abusive mother who, hissing with rage, greeted her teenage son every morning with the words, 'You're not my son. You're a bastard. I'm going to bloody well **kill** you!' When the boy asked why she'd brought him into the world she just said, 'It seemed like a good idea at the time'. - I think most would agree that such conduct is highly abusive, but can a mother be jailed for saying that? Of course not.

There's no quick fix. An abuser has to do a lot of re-learning, which isn't easy and takes time. To add to the problems many abusers are firmly stuck emotionally in the kindergarten playgound. They can't grow up, they have enormously difficulties with emotional learning. So they can't cope with with adult responsibilities. They usually find the adult world a very frightening place, and this is often the main reason for their urge to control everyone around them by whatever means they can get away with.

New Answer

Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He do That? is truly a life saver. If you are wondering if you are being abused and for those who know they surely are under an abuser's control, READ THIS BOOK. Mr. Bancroft addresses the issue of therapy and change, after educating the reader on the types and methods of abuse. He illustrates through very clear examples the attitudes that need to be present in an abuser who is genuine about changing not only his behavior, but WHO HE IS! Abusing people is not just poor behavioral choices. It is fueled by an aberrant and self-inflated life view. I understand thoroughly this dynamic because I have lived with my abuser husband for 25 yrs. Had this book been available to me years ago, I would have regained my emotional and psychological strength to effectively deal with this problem.

To the abusers who posted disappointment at the negative opinions of some, you are the rare few of abusers with empathy. Most abusers lack that, which is why they CHOOSE to hurt people in the first place. It was very hard for me to internalize that abusers choose their behavior. Keep in mind that we all know, (unless we are severely mentally challenged) what behavior is appropriate and required in a given situation. We don't hit our bosses when we get angry or the policeman on the corner. We don't yell obsenities at the neighbor when we can't find our socks or when the kids are too noisy. In that sense, abusers choose how to behave towards certain people.

For an abuser to change, he has to be willing to look at himself, and keep looking when he doesn't like what he sees. My experience has been that the abuser can't stand looking very long and reverts back to denial, projection and rationalizing. Truth and change can sometimes be very painful if it is to be of any lasting value. I have discovered you must set firm boundaries with real consequences if the abuser violates them. YOu must also set the conditions you need (therapy, separation, etc.) for the abuser to meet in order to continue a relationship with him.

In answer to the original question, "Can therapy help an abuser?", yes it can, but it has to multi-faceted and persevering for an indefinite amount of time. We all are works in progress. How much more so for the rehabiltaion of an abuser. Back to the discouraging part, most abusers do not stick with working towards genuine change. The privileges and self-image they fed from abusing others are too much for them to lose.

ANSWER

An open letter to all abusive men and women,

After due research I have come to the conclusion that I am a "Abuser", as hard as it is to label myself with that title, the shoe fits.

I have emotionally abused my wife for a significant period of time. My wife does a number of things to upset me (which is very normal in a relationship, and I of course do a number of things to upset her). That being said, I cannot blame her for the way I treat her, which is not right. Only I can control the way that I react and only I can fix it.

It's not easy living ones life like this, half of the stress in my life would be eliminated instantly, if I could get this problem under control...I believe my quality of life would almost double.

I have made a number of changes in my life over the past 3 years, and those changes have made my life so much better, I used to anger over every little annoyance, and take it out on the people around me. I have corrected alot of that, and changed my outlook on life, in regards to various things.

Now I tend to 'blow up' once a month and go over the top (generally berating, and belittleing my loving wife, to the point where I have made her feel as though she is nothing)...this will be my next mountain to climb. While perusing various websites regarding this topic, there are various opinions, about the chances for healing, and successfull treatment. I feel it is time for men who are abusers (emotionial, sexual, physical, etc), to stand up, and take a good hard look in the mirror, and ask yourselves if this is the person you want to be...anyone can change this in themselves if they believe and want to (I can say first hand, because of the changes I made in my self, over the past three years...I still have lots of work to do).

I have been married now for just over 3 months, to the love of my life. We are now separated because of the way I treated...even though I am seeking treatment because I don't want to lose her, nor do I want to live my life this way. I fear it is too late, and I have lost the love of my life (perhaps this outlook is just some inner negativity, or reality I'm not sure yet). Our communication has been reduced to emails, and I fear that will fade away as well.

So I say this to everyone that reads this posting...if you found the love of your life (like I have), don't lose her for something as silly as this...because you couldn't stand up and say I don't like this (wo)man in the mirror, this isn't who I am...I am going to change myself before it's too late. People there is no shame in admitting you have a problem, and trying to correct it, if there is a geniune will to change, and you seek the appropriate treatment...you can and will overcome this problem.

Lets stand up and be the people we where destined to be!! Lets stop being unproductive and pointing our fingers and blaming other people for our own emotinal problems, and look at ourselves!! Everybody has there problems, and demons....these ours.

Sincerly, and optimistically,


JD

New Answer

I'm not sure if this page will help me at all, it probably won't. I'm 35 years old in December and used to bullied very severely at school and it's why I stopped going when I was around 15 after years of torment. It's not that I couldn't fight back, but I didn't want to be seen as a troublemaker.

Perhaps 18 years ago though, at 17 years of age, I suddenly realised that I had an extremely violent imagination and over the years it worsened to the point where as I walked along the street I would have very vivid flashes of hurting them in many different ways. I didn't know these people, and they hadn't done anything to me, but that didn't stop me from thinking the way I did.

Later the same year, I met a young girl. We stayed together, and eventually got married, spending a total of 13 years together right up until 2003. When we split up, it was my own choice because we really didn't have much in common after all those years. After I moved on and found the girl of my dreams, I sat down and explained to her (my new girlfriend) how, in retrospect, I never gave my ex wife any breathing space. Looking back now, there was a struggle for control - she would hurt me emotionally and so I would do the same to her in return, and vice versa. I never once hit her, but I thought about it all the time. During arguments I would imagine myself tearing her to shreds in the most violent way. I never did. I'm not that person.

My father was.

My father used to beat up my mother for the most ridiculous things, like if he came home from work and went straight to a bar to drink himself stupid, he'd walk in the door at midnight and start throwing his fists around because his dinner wasn't ready for him. Before I was born, he was arguing with my mother in bed and he asked her to turn around and face him, and when she did he headbutted her dead on the nose so that she had two black eyes for weeks. Another time he came home in a temper and she had the deep fat fryer on to make something like chips (french fries, I'm in the UK) and he threw the fryer to the floor with all the hot oil in it and pushed her head down into the fat. He was a horrible man, and absolutely horrible man. The ONLY time he ever raised his hand to me, I stuck a pair of scissors in his neck and he never touched me again. I was 13 or 14 years old at the time and I had to go to my neighbours in nothing but a bath towel as I'd just come out of a shower, and she called my mother to come take me home.

I was always scared of turning out like my father, because... if truth be told... I'm much worse than him. He bullied women but would never say anything to a male... because he knew he'd get his head kicked in, no doubt. I'm not like that. My temper and anger know no boundaries and I will say anything to anyone, regardless of what the consequences may be. If I see a crowd of people causing trouble then I will walk over and stop them from doing it. Deep down I know that I could end up in hospital, or dead, but my anger and temper take over and I go ahead anyway. Thankfully, nothing has ever happened to me and I think they end up being scared because this ONE person has challenged a group verbally and demanded that they stop whatever it is before they end up in a mess themselves.

The problem is that, although my new girl is absolutely fantastic and has tried to help me get over my anger, it hasn't helped me with the temper. The anger has subsided to an INCREDIBLE amount and I no longer wander around picturing violent scenes of people I meet or see. I still can't keep my mouth shut if I see someone push a girl out of the way to get on a tube or something like that, I HAVE to say something.

Anyway, my reason for writing this is because over the years I have gone from being bullied to being an animal. Yes, I'm in control because no matter how angry I had got, I never hit my ex wife, and have never hit my new girl. But it's not an easy thing to keep in control.

Last night, during an argument with my mother, my mother got so frustrated that she actually raised her hand to me for the FIRST time ever. We rarely argue, but there's been a huge tension growing for several years because I bought a house with her and her partner, and ever since we moved in to the house he's been an absolute ***hole but mum doesn't ever see it. The anger has been building up for such a long time but she won't listen to me when I tell her what he's like and how, when she's not there, he's such an ***hole to me. When she's around, he's as nice as you can imagine. Last night, I think she just got fed up and that's why she raised her hand and clasped it around my throat.

I lost it, for the first time in my life, and I started screaming "don't you EVER put your hands on me!" and when she didn't let go, I kept on repeating it, getting more and more angry. When her partner, and my partner, came running through to see what was going on, I was trying to slap her across the face but her other hand kept coming up and getting in the way. It didn't stop me from wanting to hurt her though, and I kept on trying to get that blow in. In my mind, at the time, it was retaliation. It wasn't strictly DEFENSE because I don't think she could have done much damage but it was more "if you can hit me, then I can hit you too!". When her partner came in, I just lost it with him too and got right in his face and kept on screaming at him how he was such an ***hole, such a condescending and arrogant man that tries to make everyone around him seem beneath him. I couldn't stop myself. I've hated him for seven years and just wanted to destroy him but he kept on backing away and kept putting his hands up. To be fair on myself, I never once tried to hit him. I think part of me wanted HIM to make the first move because I almost wanted to prove to himself that he wasn't the big man that he always tried to come across as.

The relationship between my mother and I is never going to be the same. We talked about it today, and we're selling the house. I can't live with her and her partner anymore and she can't live with me anymore. She told me that I'm worse than my father because she's never seen him get as bad as I was last night. Even though I never hit her, and never hit her partner, she said that my face changed completely. My skin went white-grey, my eyes burned and my teeth were bared the whole time. She was scared of me, so much so that she actually called the police while I was trying to get past her partner (she had just finished a call and still had the handset in her hand) and four police turned up within minutes. They left after everyone agreed that there wasn't going to be any trouble, the fact that no-one was actually hit and no physical damage was done. The damage to our relationship is not something that will ever be repaired, and that's on both sides to be honest. She can't forgive me for trying to hit her, but I also can't forgive her for putting her hands on my throat and getting violent with me during what was nothing more than an argument. That, and the fact that she'll continue to believe her partner is a great guy when I know, and my partner knows, that he's not.

The problem I have is that I wanted SO bad to hit her. I wanted SO bad to hit her partner too. OK, so I didn't... but I COULD have, and I WANTED to. The bigger problem is that I'm not sure if I'd have been able to stop. I know what my temper is like, and I know the damage I've done in the past. Whenever I would get into an argument with my ex wife, I would leave the house and go outside. I could end up having completely shredded knuckles from continually punching into bare walls. It was better to do that than to do it to my ex wife. It's always easier to hurt yourself than to hurt someone else.

I am scared for my fiancee's life now. I KNOW I'm worse than my father, and I've known this for a very long time. I told my fiancee this when we first got together, because I didn't want any secrets and I wanted to give her the opportunity to get out before she was in too deep. She said no, and she said that she would always support me to help get through whatever goes on with me. I'm not sure I could be so strong if I was in her position. This morning, during a discussion with my mother about selling the house, she said to me that she feels sorry for my fiancee because she saw an anger and a rage in me last night that she'd never seen in anyone in all her life, and she thinks that one day I'll end up killing my fiancee in an argument. I actually believe her. I considered suicide many years ago because the violence was so bad in my head that I wondered if I was going to end up being a serial killer or some deranged mass murderer. I figured it would be easier to just take my own life and spare the world from another demon. The hardest thing I ever had to admit to myself is the thought that I MAY actually be evil inside. I don't want to be evil. I don't want to be a demon. I don't want to have so much anger and hatred, manifesting as a violent temper... but it's inside me and has been for such a long time now.

I need someone to tell me what I can do to make sure this never happens. I don't want to be that guy. I don't want to be an abuser, whether it's physical or mental. Abuse is abuse. I've put MYSELF through enough physical and emotional abuse over the years and I don't want to inflict this on anyone else. I hate myself more than anyone else on this earth could, and I want it to stop.

Is there anyone that can make any suggestions? Please?

Thank you.

You remind me so much of my best friend during high school. I probably couldn't reason with you if I tried. You remind me of myself too. My girl and I are probably going to break up, it's partially due to my wanting anal sex. I don't know why I don't care about if she is hurt. I care if she is hurt in any other way. I'm sure everyone is totally disgusted with this post. I hope my email isn't on here. If it is, I will block anyone who emails me. Anyway, the point is I have felt like I can't stop. I have gone about a week without downloading porn or masturbating and it actually wasn't that hard. I didn't do it because I was afraid or anything like that, this separation was my idea. I stopped because I don't want this to control me. I don't want anything to have a hold over me (that's another problem, i'm totally screwed up,) but if you ask me it's healthier to make sure that I'm not addicted to porn and sex so that they don't control me, so that my desires don't control me. You see I have been a slave to my desires. That's alot like your situation there. I think I provided enough information that you can trust what I say, if you ever read this, that what has helped me, just a little bit, is knowing that its ME I have to control.

First answer by anonymous. Last edit by Diggity0169. Contributor trust: 12 [recommend contributor]. Question popularity: 195 [recommend question]